[NeuroBeautiful]

Years passed
"He will pay me back"
Repeating like a daily prayer,
I swear I believed him though I had doubt,
while,
Years were passing,
He fought for our lives
By crushing us down, he saved us from getting crushed again
I thought he'd be interested
I thought he'd care
Once stress settled down
But the soonest moment he got the chance,
He ran away by plane
Just like he had said, for his freedom
Because I shackle him just by my existence
I'm not sad about not having money
I'm sad about being robbed
My sense of work paying off has lost its meaning
Is destroying me the way he shows love?
While, he may have good reason to take my money
He put everyone else as his priority
I'm not even in his equation
I am the prop hold his life together
He said he wanted a second child to be a playmate to his first
To fulfill his oldest daughter's loneliness,
And when mom died,
to be the new mom,
More like a prisoner*
Who is not even allowed to recognize the cage for what it is
Is that my purpose?

I don't stand on my own,
I'm a mistake to have been born
So many moments I could have died, I just want it all to end
What's the point?
Years are passing
In and out of therapy
To talk about how I'm a burden and the answer is
"No you're not, don't be so cynical"

Call up your grandmother because all grandmothers are most likely great people
And you're just a whimp
Paralyzing fear of ole granny isnt real, just get over it
Cause you're gonna make her break into tears
How her daughter died and her daughter's daughter doesn't care
Remember, when you pulled me by my ears?* Do you remember yelling at me, humiliating me,* intimidating me, playing mind games with me?
Telling me I threw up because i eat too much and calling me a cow.
I* got sick from too much stress
How old was i? 5 fingers and 1 finger , 6 years old
And you were... 10 fingers and 10 toes multiplied by 4, at least 60
You were 10 times my age
Or maybe even older. I don't know
And it is my responsibility to care for YOU?
This isn't a natural way to view your grandchild, sorry to say, I don't think so

And now you're wondering why I don t call. Will you bombard me about getting a job? If I visit you when you come back from your vacation, will you see my pimples and make fun?
Will you single me out again like you've done for so long?
Maybe instead of telling me to get a job, you can try caring about me
Maybe you would understand that the money I earned had all been taken. For an emergency or not, I still don't truly know, but he took it without asking, without paying attention to how I feel, without trying to pay me back in a reasonable amount of time
He doesn't even know how much he owes me.
He is getting older, I don't want to lose him
Money isn't everything, but I need to move out so badly
I've been betrayed by my family


Everyday I have to repeat, that,

I'm not a bad person
I'm not a bad person
I'm not a bad person

That I matter in this world.

And there's that little voice that says
I must not tell lies
I must not tell lies
I must not tell lies
Yes you are a bad person, and thinking otherwise is a lie