[Jess~]

so the other day I met a guy and had a great time getting to know him. in fact, we've been talking about possibly dating, and I do really like him.
coincidentally, we've both been raped before. mine was recent, by someone close to my age, and his was when he was just a kid, by an older man.

now, even though it was the first day we hung out in person (we had been talking for a few weeks through kik - he was from tinder) we did end up having sex. now, I can't say I ruled it out as a possibility completely, as we did meet at his house and we did plan on watching Netflix.
however, I never really want to fuck on the first date.
I did tell him no at first, but as soon as he started trying to convince me by using phrases that my rapist used as well, I freaked out and said yes.
I do this a lot when guys are trying to convince me to have sex with them, or do something with sex that I'm not really comfortable with. it's like as long as I say yes, they can't take my "no" away from me. if I say yes, they can't rape me.
which is stupid because obviously I'm still doing something I don't want to do. but yeah, I don't know if that's ever gonna get better.

halfway through us having sex, he randomly got soft. I've always heard of girlfriends asking about their boyfriends losing their boner sometimes, but it's never happened before.
at this point, I didn't know he was raped before, but I was understanding and I assured him that it was okay and we could just cuddle until it comes back. i could tell he was embarrassed, and he said this happens a lot.

it wasn't until later when we went and got food together that he told me about how he was raped, and then I told him I was raped too. I could tell he felt really bad and guilty about kind of trying to make me have sex with him and he apologized a lot. (even though ultimately I did say yes, and I enjoyed it. I just wish I didn't give myself away so easily because of my issues. not trying to put the blame off of myself, it's just I did used to have really strong morals and now that's gone.)

I guess I just wanted to know how male rape victims are affected by rape, and whether the way he pressured me into sex is maybe part of that? and also if the loss of an erection is a common issue for male rape victims.
I guess I'm just trying to make sense of all this. I know every possible way a female rape victim could react and be effected yet I know nothing about males and I want to learn.