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Re: Say something you wish you could say to their face. -
December 19th 2016, 04:22 AM
I avoid that road because I'll never forgive myself for not calling her when I should have. I avoid that road because I hate the sight of the house with her bedroom lights off, because I know they'll never be on again. I avoid that road so I don't have to see the memorial garden or the giant cage for her rabbit in the backyard. I avoid that road because passing her house makes me think of her and how much I miss her and how shitty of a friend I was. But I won't tell you any of this and I won't tell you why I hate the scent of leather mixed with flowers, or why Snow White suddenly became my favorite princess. I can't tell you any of this because none of you seem to remember that one of my friends died. None of you seem to remember that she took her own life and I was told in the worst way possible and I was only sixteen and her death shattered me more than I can describe. I can't tell you that I'm sitting in my room crying for the first time since May because you teased me for not taking that road and making us late and I couldn't tell you why I can't take that road. I really can't tell any of you that I still blame myself for her death and I cannot say the word suicide out loud.
It's been two and a half years since her death and I know I should be fine by now. But I'm not. I wasn't close with her when she died, and I hate myself for letting us drift away. Every "what if" floats through my mind and I don't know how to make them stop.
So please, let me hate that road. Let me hate that candle. Stop asking questions and please let me be. Please.
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