[thelonelyqueer]

Hi, I am Eliot and I am 16 years old and I have always had a lot of trouble with body image, usually revolving around my genitals (I am transgender, so I hate being in a "female" body). I had for the past couple of years noticed I would binge eat when I was stressed, and sometimes id eat less than I probably should... I am starting to notice this becoming more severe (I guess that would be the word?) I always thought i was fat, even though I am average. I weighed edit lbs about 1 1/2 months ago, now when I last checked I weighted edited. I have been wanting to lose more and more because I feel like I am so overweight but I really am not, I am 5'5" so this weight is pretty healthy for my height, I just still feel like I am so overweight.. I look at myself and I am like "ewww! I am so fat, look at my chin.. BLAH!" in my new school picture I feel like I look so fat, I don't even smile for pictures that often anymore cause I feel like my cheeks look a lot bigger than they really are, which makes me feel even more fat. So for my school picture I sorta smirked i guess??? but I of course found a part of my face that looks fat which is my chin... I hate it. I say that my chin looks so big but everyone says that I look good in that picture they just wished I had smiled, I say I look fat they say I don't. I have a therapist and a lot of support, more than the average depressed teenager tbh. I have family based, trauma therapy, an in school therapist, and a caseworker. so I have a lot.. (and also a psychiatrist but I need to have that to take meds, which I do). Anyway, I have lately been wanting to starve myself.. like in math class I had some candy in my backpack which I ate one piece.. and I was forcing myself to not eat another because I didn't want to make other people look at me and think "ew he's eating so much candy thats so gross!!!" I have been starting to go on the scale more and more... I usually check my weight 3-6 times a week, so usually every day or so.. but I fear going onto the scale even though no matter what number is there I won't be classified as "overweight" but in my mind if I gain edited pound its like I gained edited. It makes me feel so disappointed in myself. I have been wanting to purge lately.. a lot. Like i almost did purge in math class after I did eat that second piece of candy that I was trying not to eat. I skip meals.. probably more than I should. I rarely eat breakfast, I eat lunch cause I eat in school, but when I get home I try to avoid eating... then when my mom offers me food I usually say I'm not hungry even if i am... and when I do eat, I will either eat very small portions or very large portions.. no matter what the portion size is I will put myself down and say that isn't right and that I shouldn't be eating that much and that i am disgusting etc etc. I have brought this up to my therapists before and my mom, they don't believe me. I am thinking about bringing it up to my therapist again today cause I feel like it's getting worse.. but the thing is i don't want help, I want to be skinny.. or what people would call "underweight" but to me is my goal... what do I do? does this sound like I have an eating disorder of some sort? I don't know.. lemme know though please && thank you.