[Kate*]

Paper plates and alcohol, sounds about right. The holidays are going to be HELL this year. Can I just stay home?

Your lawn/yard is fine, the lack of sleep I get because you refuse to understand that, is not.

I can't do this, I'm done.

This whole societal concept of everybody being responsible for themselves would be fucking awesome if it only happened in reality. And, no I'm not a huge fan of it in every context. When you tell someone that they are responsible for their own reactions and emotions, you're saying that anybody can do, say, or hurt another person however much they want and it's okay because the victim can just "decide" that it didn't hurt. What the fuck?!

I don't think I could ever handle being back there for more than a meeting; it's just too painful. Even though things get better, it still has the power to crush me back to death.

If it lapses again YOU FIX IT this time. Especially after what happened last time.

I failed and passed at the same time. Life is impossible for me that way. I can't do it anymore. I tried, I failed, and I quit. I know you're not proud of me anymore. I'm sorry.

My life is like watching a train wreck. I do EVERYTHING right, but still watch the worst case scenarios that happen only to me completely destroy it all anyway and there's nothing I can do about it, while being told I "chose" it and that it's a "self-fulfilling prophecy". After almost 30 years of that, it collapsed worse than ever and I can't get up this time. These are cumulative and each one is bigger and harder than the one before it. That last one broke me and I finally learned when to quit. I'm not fighting and working that hard to lose EVERYTHING and get blamed for it again. I'm finally saying NO MORE.

I still believe in feeling feelings, not forcing them, but I will control myself. I hope you're right about "life knows what it's doing" because I'm lost. And I hope you learned something from me and that my dream turned disaster didn't die in vain.

Good news, I'm dreaming again. Bad news, guess who showed up in them.

They're NOT the same thing, I can be qualified to do both, but at nowhere near the same time. And I've checked there daily, sometimes more than that for almost 2 years now. They don't just suddenly appear there.