[Always *]

My grandfather recently died because of cancer and now a friend of mine has cancer. In both cases I've gotten extremely fearful of getting cancer too. I'm so scared of getting breast cancer. I am totally convinced of it because my beasts aren't totally smooth and there's this lump numb in my right boob.

I talked to my doctor and they checked it out and said it was nothing to worry about. Nothing has changed in 6+ months since and logic would dictate that it's actually nothing but boobs being boobs but I can't shake the intense fear I have about it and how if I were right I'd probably die. I've already decided if it happens I might kill myself if assisted suicide isn't legal by then. The fear is pretty severe. And when I told my boyfriend that I was so scared I'd planned to kill myself if I got cancer rather than slowly waste away he got really upset, but it's only because my anxiety about cancer is really severe.

I've done many google searches, which have, again, reinforced that (most likely) nothing is wrong and so many web pages that tell me nothing is wrong BUT those are pages on breast cancer websites. How is that supposed to reassure me deep down? Like "oh yeah hey you're probably ok but.... let's look at some cancer info website because you might DIE!"

I live in a place where I can see a doctor for feee. But I also don't want to waste my doctors time about my anxiety-induced health fears. I'm in no rush to go. I mostly just want to know I'm not alone.

It's legitimately so terrifying. I'm also really scared my friend might die. She's to young to go but I'm not God.