[~anongirl~]

I am not sure yet but I am quite certain I have an extreme case of social anxiety.

I have very, very few friends at school because of how little I am able to speak in public. A number of people talk about it behind my back, saying I'm super quiet and never say anything, and I've overheard someone complaining about being in a group project with me because of how I never say anything.
Even when I am with a big group of friends, I am unable to talk because I get nervous. (this happens when its a big group, with 2 or 3 people its fine)
I have extreme panic attacks before doing something in front of a crowd (like in front of a class), and end up making a total fool out of myself; shaking, stuttering, sweating, etc...
I cannot raise my hand in class because I am very, very self-conscious about looking stupid, what will people think about me, everyone's staring at me, etc...I've gotten huge panic attacks before speaking in front of people.

This has become a huge struggle. I cry almost everyday, people hate me and mock me because of my issue. I want to make friends so bad. Everytime I do it I mess up and people get weirded out by me.
The situation got so bad, I resorted to addictive things like binging and now I am overweight because of it. I cannot concentrate at school because the phobia just takes over sometimes, and my grades are dropping.

I cannot speak about this to my parents, they get very angry with me and the biggest reason I get in trouble is because of this. They always get frustrated with me and say I'm very awkward in social situations, that I act like a weirdo in public, and whenever I get nervous before an event they tell me I'm ridiculous and should just toughen up. I can't. Everyday I go to school I feel extremely uncomfortable in the building with the students, as if everyone's watching me and judging me. My life is a living hell, I want it all to be over and done.

I feel like I have severe social anxiety. As a result of this I am extremely awkward when I make an effort to speak to a group of people, and it comes out very quiet and a bit weird when I am trying to make a conversation.




EDIT: Also I forgot to add that today I had a huge breakdown in the girls bathroom because I was really panicking over an improv skit we had to do in 2 days. They just announced it in class today and I just panicked so much. Even though no one really saw me cry -- except 1 of my friends, who tried to comfort me but really couldn't -- I felt ashamed of sobbing over something so small and unimportant. I can't handle this anymore.