[Palmolive]

An experience of self harm
By Jessie (Palmolive)

Living with self harm can be hard and that's something that I can personally relate too. However, we can learn ways to manage self harm and to manage the feelings beneath the self harm itself. Hope keeps us alive so all you have to do is keep hope alive.

When I was 9, I started self harming. Honestly, I don't know what the first thought in my head to do it was but I remember it well and it’s scary to think I'm now 22 and I still self harm. Self harm became severe for me when I was 15 which is where my hospital admittance's began to psychiatric wards. I find that I can cope better now with the support I have although it is a constant battle and never has it been easy. I know a lot of people have said to me that the easy way out would be to not self harm, but that's not the case. I want to stop self harming but it's hard to do so because of feelings of guilt, not wanting to let people down, punishment, a release of emotions and so on. For me it has led to fourteen hospitalizations, needing medical care such as stitches, staples and surgery and has even left me physically unwell due to blood loss which caused Anemia to the point of passing out, being sick and having a fit like experience. However, the harder part of it for me is the constant battle in my head not about staying in hospital and being put under general anesthetic for surgery etc, but the thought that I don't want to keep doing it but I need it, so do I or don't I? I also believe for a lot of people it can become a habit and/or addiction. It can be hard to break the cycle we can get in to with self harm but it is possible.

For me, it all started from my past expereinces. I had a lot of things going on for me when I was younger such as being a young carer, living with someone who struggled with anorexia, separation of parents, abuse etc which professionals believe led to me having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as well as other disorders such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depressive episodes and these are things I still struggle with today. I know a lot about my disorders but understanding them from my point of view is hard and I've come across many people who can relate to that. Having a diagnosis has helped me get certain treatments so as much as I do not like to talk about what I'm diagnosed with, I also like to share that it helped for the reason I stated.

My longest stay in hospital was two and a half years in a unit a long way away from home, which was for women with borderline personality disorder (BPD) but in my individual therapy, I focused on self harm after life threatening behaviours and therapy interrupting behaviours. This stay in hospital was the hardest. This is when I was first detained for being a risk to myself and when I first went on to maximum observations. I continued to self harm in hospital and engage in life threatening behaviours but things slowly began getting better. I thought when I was discharged, that I would never self harm again but I was completely wrong. Since I have needed stitches and staples a numerous amount of times, a referral to a burns unit, have had to have surgery and have also had five hospital admissions to acute wards since. Now I realise that self harm isn't just something that can go away for me or anyone even but is something I still need to learn to manage and deal with in an appropriate way. Health care professionals have asked me to stop completely, while others have asked me to reduce my self harm but the truth is, it isn't an easy fight. It's hard and a constant battle. Not only is it having the urges, but it’s the nightmares, when you see the scars and it triggers you or makes you sad and for me, looking back at what I have put my family through, to the point where they asked me to arrange my funeral so they know what I wanted because they thought that I was going to kill myself due to the severity of the self harm, kills me inside but now I try to focus away from that. I focus on the future. If I am in a state, sometimes I will remind myself of the past and where it’s led to encourage myself to keep on fighting.

There is hope. I know so many people who are years free of self harm and one day I hope to be one of those people and if you also self harm, then I hope one day you will be one of those people too. And if you are one of those people, then good on you, keep fighting and never be alone because you have come so far to give up now. Recovery isn't easy at all but it is well worth it. However, you have to be ready to stop self harming and ready to get better. If you don't want to then you won't. If you do want to, then you can and you will but always remember recovery is possible.

Having people support you can be so beneficial. Just having someone to talk to and listen to you can release a lot of intense emotions. Using distractions, I think, is vital. As long as you're distracting yourself then you are keeping busy. [Jenny: Maybe link the distractions for self-harm here?] Also learning new skills to help you manage the urges to harm yourself can be incredibly helpful. Therapies can teach you skills, such as DBT, CBT and CAT. If you are struggling with similar issues and feel you need help and might benefit from these, it is always a good idea to talk to your doctor or therapist to see in what way they can help or if they can point you in the right direction for support in these area's.

Just know that you are never alone and hope is alive. Don't let anyone or anything get in your way of recovering from self harm, if you want to recover. Keep fighting for your life and never give in.