[Jess~]

so i'm currently in my senior year of high school, so of course everyone everywhere is cramming college and majors and real life and the future down my throat at any chance they get. ugh.

meanwhile, i'm far from ready to grow up and take on so many responsibilities at once.
i know people who have had their entire college, learning path, and career planned out since fucking sophomore year, and here i am not really understanding how the hell college even works.

i've done very little research on colleges, though i have found a couple that i like. but it's more just that i like the city they're in or the location of how far from home they are. (i want to be far enough from my family so that i don't need to see them all the time, but so that i can still come back if necessary.) those are all in-state schools.


however... there's another side to the story.
i've kind of been trying to look at out of state schools as well, maybe even more so. specifically schools located near the east coast (i'm the west).
now, i do have a few family members out in ohio. so it wouldn't be entirely random for me to suddenly want to go to a school out there.
but the real reason i'm looking all the way out there is because i have pretty serious feelings for a guy i met online.
yeah.
think of that what you will.

we've been talking for just over a year now, but i didn't have feelings until the first time we video chatted. i know he's real, he's who he says he is physically.. of course, i can't be sure how he really feels about me, or if he even cares about me specifically over other girls he might talk to.
however, i have a pretty good feeling about the emotional aspect of him, based off of how i know he is.
he's a bluntly and brutally honest person. he's not afraid to tell people the hurtful truth right to their face. at all.
trust me, over the time we've been talking, back when we weren't super close but were at the point where we were friends, he said he liked me as a friend but wasn't worried about me in terms of his life. he said all he was worried about for now was money, that's all he cared about getting, for the time being.

but as we've gotten closer, he's opened up a lot to me. and told me stuff about his awful past relationship, and why he has trust issues.
he talked about what he wanted in a girlfriend and how he would treat her and his deep future plans (like kids and marriage stuff -- stuff that most guys i know would die laughing about).
and when he was talking about wanting a girlfriend, he said the only girl he'd really want to date right now would be me.
he described how he'd treat me and all the things he'd do for me if i was with him.
and he's definitely not just some fuckboy. this is a guy who takes hella time to open up. so when he finally does open up, i really doubt that he'd lie about it.
he recently even told me he loved me, but i don't know. i think he meant it but was ready to treat it like just a joke if i reacted badly. because he didn't say he didn't mean it, or that he was just kidding.


i think i actually have fallen in love with him. and i absolutely hate it. trust me, i really didn't want to catch feelings for anyone, but especially not anyone in the situation he's in, with being so far from me. i didn't even realize i had fallen in love, because it happened so slowly and gradually, and took time, and wasn't based on looks.. it happened as we got closer to each other, emotionally. and i think that's the way it's supposed to happen, honestly.
whatever it is, it's definitely the most i've ever felt for someone.

but i don't want to just leave my life here either, to go to college across the country for some guy i've never met in real life.

i mean, as much as we connect and click online, what if it's completely different in real life? (although our video chats and phone calls are anything but awkward. our personalities mesh really well together, because we're so similar.)


i really, really want to have the life he's talked about having with me. i want to take a chance on him, i really do. but i don't know if it's worth risking my college life/experience either. i mean, i'll hopefully make friends. and i won't want to stay so far from my family forever, so i'd probably either move back or closer back. which would leave me torn from everyone pretty much.
and since i don't know for sure what it would be like if we met, i don't know if i want to make a decision that would distance me from everyone except for him..


BUT... i'm terrified of staying here as well. if he gets a girlfriend, which he is fully capable of (though he's not interested in anyone he knows, for anything more than sex), i honestly don't know what i'd do. he would probably have to stop talking to me, at least, of course not the way we talk now. he's kind of the only thing that makes me life happier, nowadays. i am happier because of him. even my friends can see it. they say i'm a much nicer person these days.

i just don't know what the right thing to do would be.
do i leave my family, friends, and everything i've ever known for a chance with my dream guy?