[Kate*]

I can either try to get a referral from a doctor I've never seen, or wait an extra 2 months and do it next year. This is so fucking stupid. Why do I need approval from a doctor I've never seen for a specialist who REQUESTED that I see her more than once?! The last doctor who took this never asked for one, but maybe he didn't know what he was doing.

A life where I do nothing and have almost no one isn't enough anymore, but there's nothing I'm capable of and few will want to deal with me, so nothing and practically no one is better than failing and falling apart again.

I'm not going to call to deal with this tomorrow because I've called before and they said to do what I just did. I can get a referral, but not until I can see the doctor I just switched to. Might be better off postponing it for the 2 months and then explain the situation to her. I don't want to do it that way, but it's not like anything has changed, doesn't make sense to get the stupid referral to have her tell me everything is the same.

This has gone exactly the way I knew it would only worse. I have NO IDEA how I'm going to recover from this, or if I ever will. Most people with this don't have lives, maybe I should just give up on having one now.

Another bad day, here we go. I'm just going to start calling the bad days normal and consider any good ones anomalies I don't deserve. Same with people and events. If I had a way out, I'd be long gone by now.

What do you do when it's never going to end and get worse to the point that you can't cope later if you decide to stay.

I keep thinking better of doing this. It's the only open door there's really been for me, but I'm completely torn and it's not like there's money involved.

As much as I want to believe everything will be okay, I can't see it ever happening and people are living out my worst nightmare with this every fucking day.