[Everglow.]

Hey there,

It certainly sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate right now, and I'm really sorry things have gotten so bad. I think that the delayed SH is a really good first step to recovery though and I actually used a similar method myself! Perhaps you could adjust the way you think of this method - instead of delaying it and allowing yourself to SH, give yourself targets for being SH free. For eample, instead of saying 'I wont hurt myself until after I have cleaned my room', say to yourself 'I will try to stay SH free until I have cleaned my room', and at that point, instead of giving in, try to challenge yourself to another goal, maybe 'I will try to stay SH free until I have showered/eaten a meal/run some errands etc'. Perhaps adjusting your way of thinking will help, as it's a little more optimistic and goal related than simply delaying giving into the urge. In thinking you will just do it later, you're still allowing yourself to give in, and the goal here is to recover. This is also why you really shouldn't feel pathetic for having not given in! It is so much easier as a self harmer to give in than to keep fighting. Even going one night without giving in when the urges are bad is such an incredible achievement, and you really should strive for that! Feel proud - it's so strong of you and you deserve to feel good about that.

I think by telling your brothers girlfriend to call the police, you absolutely did the right thing. He may be your brother but if he is a harm to people, it's a really good idea to recognise that and talk to the appropriate people. If you did have the ability to go over there, it could be dangerous not only for his girlfriend, but for you too! Just bare in mind that it can be far more complicated for her to be able to call the police than for people on the outside to tell her to. There are so many emotions and feelings involved, including and not limited to love and fear! It's a difficult thing to do, but if you're comfortable with it, just make sure she has someone to talk to. Try and be the rational outsider so that, if she does decide to report it, she has someone to back her up and be there for her through what will undoubtedly be a really stressful and emotional process!

Are you speaking to anybody about your problems? I think if you're not it might really help to look towards a counsellor or family member to support you. Especially with the eating issues as it's a steep slope you can find yourself on by restricting yourself to one meal per day. Weight gain is not necessarily a bad thing, just as losing weight is not necessarily a good thing. Maintain a healthy balance! This is best done by eating 3+ meals a day and combining that with exercise. Your health is the most important thing and weight doesnt always indicate whether or not you're healthy.

I hope this has helped you a little bit. There are some areas I haven't touched upon simply because I don't think I'd be able to give you the best advice, but I've tried to include as much as I could! Keep fighting through this and you will win, I promise you it's possible.