[Kate*]

When I manage to rebuild my life, I will be able to move on. But, I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank you because what you did was not okay. I don't believe we should always try to find the good in everything. Sometimes coming to terms with a bad situation means acknowledging that it sucks. That doesn't make me a victim of my circumstances, it makes me a victim of your actions, and that's what I was.

I don't know how I feel about those who tried or offered to defend me. I turned them all down, not wanting to drag anyone extra or unnecessary into my mess. You did prove that I wasn't crazy, but it ended despite that, so I guess it doesn't matter. I want to think back on you and smile, but it just leaves me torn. You proved that I probably didn't deserve it, which is part of what makes looking back on the whole thing so painful.

I've told you before, and will continue to say, that you could've handled that better. You didn't need the whole story, but you didn't have to turn on me either. I don't blame you, but if you didn't want to help, or get involved, you could've said so. You made one offer in front of witnesses, then told me privately (after I took you up on it), that you didn't actually mean it, going completely against your character and chipping away at my trust. Again, I was treated in a way no one could believe, by someone I never thought would do it and then you ignored me. Completely. For 2 months. I get it, but it hurt like hell. Not to mention, I assume this was discussed at length between you behind my back. I don't know what was said, but I suspect he told you things that probably weren't good about me and maybe what he knew was coming. I know you entered academia. Just remember me, learn from me, and if anything like this ever comes up again, do a better job with them. I know that's who you really are, and it's the only reason I still have an ounce of respect for you. And why I put up that boundary, which has actually saved my reputation multiple times.

I just looked back at everything and GOD I was a pain in the ass! However, that didn't excuse you from using your training in tact and empathy when communicating with me. I can now say that most of you actually did care, but I still don't think my "personality for lack of a better explanation" was a good enough one. I know I wasn't dismissed for my attitude, because if I were, my reputation would be shot, and there were people a lot less mature than I was who got their degree/ license. I was dismissed for "lack of clinical skill", not a personality problem, not a "lack of empathy, or my behavior, and not as a "safety risk". It shouldn't have taken me 18 months to work up to that on my own. You should've told me yourselves.

I might update you again, don't see why not. I still want the helping people and the deep conversations and use of the skills I did have while supporting myself somehow so I can survive. Don't know how realistic that is though.