[Kate*]

Every time I'm forced to do this, anxiety happens. This will be the last time. I only bothered again because I can't pass up a chance for something with no experience requirements and I'm not having luck anywhere else. On the other hand, do I want a job I had to try for 3 times? And then there's the fact that I wrestle with what I've lost every time I face the reality that this is the best I can do, despite everything. I know that if it were meant to be, it would be, especially after the way it all went, but I've learned not to believe better is possible and the other outcomes are not helping. Why was it my dream in the first place if you knew it couldn't happen and why did it all happen the way it did? And why do I want to tell you all of this? I want to have hope, but will it just leave me disappointed? I can't go through this again. I can't handle any more pain.

And spiraling again... I really can't handle this. Enough is enough, and 28 years of this is more than

Don't want to do this. I'm only trying because it's the best chance I have. If I haven't gotten it by now though, I don't see the point of going through it again. I just want to let go.

Sometimes things don't make you stronger, they just break you. Life never guarantees a happy ending. I've had enough.

And now my temperature is up, awesome. Hopefully it's just that and it will come down.

I'm happy for him, but it's just another slap in the face for me since I'll never accomplish anything. I know because I tried. People like me don't survive in the world, I don't see the point of torturing myself if I'm just going end up doing it later anyway.