[Kate*]

The more I think about mentioning it to you in an update like last time, the better I feel about it. I'm hoping for at least a little insight as a professional who knows me and my situation well, but who isn't my professional. The only thing I'm expecting is a response of some kind and only because you've always given me one. I'm not making it your job to fix this, but anything I get from you will be appreciated.

I'm torn between wanting the life I had planned and was supposed to have, and wishing none of this had ever happened. I want to go back to life before the debt, before the damage, and at times, before the diagnosis. I want those years of my life back or I want them to be worth it with something to show for it other than pain that haunts me when this was supposed to be a dream come true. I want to give everyone their money back or go back to before they spent it, wasted it on something we didn't know I couldn't have. But I can't. The perfect storm shattered my dreams and I may not be able to build any new ones.

I knew that if it happened, this was how it was going to be; and I always knew how it would end too.

Now that I have the version of it that you'll never see, it matters less to me that I send it. I'm doing it to maintain the connection, so you'll get something from me relatively soon, but I realize how awkward this is. Or maybe I'm just making it that way.