[Kate*]

Even with her limitations she can have everything I want.

Why do I still want that and why do I still want to help you with something that would've been impossible either way? Can I not let go, do I care that much, do I care about you more than you care about me, or am I just nosy and bitter over losing my dream to a combination of disability and hypocrisy? Or maybe I still can't believe in impossible.

Here's the difference between us: I couldn't have seen this coming or been more screwed by a bunch of hypocrites and am dealing with the complete collapse of my life on top of emotional devastation of the worst kind. Despite this, I don't whine to people who don't want to hear it, use my situation as an excuse to manipulate people into giving me my way or doing things for me. Nor do I expect them to bend over backwards because I think they owe me, or threaten to fall into my mental illness if they go against what I want, even if it would be best for me. The only time I told anyone that, it wasn't an empty threat and I was 100% serious. You're the complete opposite, this is in your best interest, and if you "shut down" and throw tantrums it'll be 100% your choice.

I know I need it, I desperately want it, but I don't even know where to start, there's a good chance it'll backfire and I'll feel worse, my trust is completely blown, and fear is killing me.

I can't do this. I have been broken and there is no recovering from it. What's the point of me even being here if nothing will ever work out? Even when I was less miserable than this, it was too hard to do that. Fight on alone it is. I want to tell you, but it was never your job and there's nothing you can do.