[Celyn]

I would never even think that you would harm your son. I don't know an awful lot about postpartum depression, but I do know that new mothers may go through feelings of not being good enough etc. That said, since you have had thoughts of harming yourself, even if you wouldn't act on those thoughts, it may be postpartum depression, particularly if you have had depression before.

Being a new mother is challenging enough, and I'm sure there are many other parents out there who have got annoyed at their child crying and have wanted to shout at them. That doesn't make you a bad mother; only human. But postpartum depression will make you feel worse, though you are not a freak. Mental health issues can affect anyone at anytime.

I understand that you would feel scared and concerned about telling your OB doctor, but I think it's better to do this and be on the safe side, as not telling anyone may mean that the depression continues or gets worse. You don't have to go through this alone, and you deserve to get help. I'm not entirely sure what happens when you tell your doctor that you suspect you may have postpartum depression, but I doubt they would take your son away from you, unless they seriously thought you were at risk of harming him (which, judging by what you have written, is extremely unlikely anyway). They wont see you as an unfit mother, since postpartum depression is actually more common than we tend to think. They will just see you as a mother who is struggling at the moment, but who took the brave step in acknowledging something wasn't right, and reaching out for support. There's absolutely no shame in that. Your doctor may suggest medication or counselling, but if the issue affects you the most when your son is crying, they may suggest parenting classes (or if you wanted, you could have a look in your area to see if there are any that you could sign up to). It doesn't mean you are a bad parent, but you may benefit from learning about how to deal with certain situations, particularly if your son is difficult to settle.

Make sure you are looking after yourself too. Try to get plenty of rest and make some time to do things that you want to do.

Hang in there Sarah, we're all on your side!