Thank you Jenna. I have been getting your comments on my blogs and I really appreciate them.

For a long time TeenHelp was my volunteering. Technically it still is but I was on leave for three weeks when I went to the hospital and since coming off I haven't taken any calls for Live Help. I think if I started taking calls again I might start feeling better but I don't really feel like I'm in much of a place to help anyone. People call in with all kinds of issues but often it's because of self-harm and suicidal thoughts and I don't feel like I'm really one to talk on those particular comments. I tell people there's hope- because for them I believe there is- but it rings so hollow in my own ears because I can't seem to find my own hope.

I think if I got out of the house it might do me some good, even to just go see some friends to do something fun, like bowling or going to see a movie. I just can't seem to motivate myself to go out. I get tired so easily these days. Going to the store and doing chores takes up a lot of energy, let alone going out and socializing with people. Since I can't even bring myself to do that I'm not sure how I'd volunteer. I should also technically go to work but I haven't managed to bring myself to do that.

There isn't much I love doing anymore. In fact I can't think of anything I love doing, except getting tea. I'm still pushing myself to do that multiple times a week just because if I do it enough it might give me some happiness. I still don't love it as much as I used to, though. I don't really engage in any hobbies. I stay home in bed and talk to my girlfriend on Facebook while she's at work; that's pretty much it.

People keep telling me that there's hope, that it'll turn around, but I just don't know how. I'm doing everything I can think of. I'm trying two new types of therapy, EMDR and DBT for individual sessions (I've done DBT groups before and I don't think that's really what I need right now). Tomorrow is my last session for a while with my old therapist. She wants me to go to residential but I don't know if that's what I really need. I'm trying all kinds of meds and it doesn't seem to be helping. ECT has been brought up as a possibility but I'm scared of that. I did ask my doctor about TMS but she said it isn't as effective and that most insurances don't pay for it and it can cost about $20,000 out of pocket, so ECT would be my best option if we go that route.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I keep hoping I'll get up one morning and suddenly I'll have a bunch of hope for the future but I don't think that's going to happen. It scares me to feel like I'll never get better.