For the last seven months or so I've been struggling with my mental health. I've already made some other posts about what's happened over the last few months but most recently I was placed in the psychiatric ward following a suicide attempt last month. In the hospital they took me off half of my medication and decreased one of my other medications. For a couple of days after the hospital things seemed fine, but they quickly deteriorated.

I know I'm depressed, but the form that depression has taken has changed so much over the past few weeks that it's exhausted me even more than I already was. Sometimes I'm numb. Sometimes I'm apathetic. Sometimes all I want to do is cry. Always I feel completely and utterly hopeless. I don't see the point in looking for the light at the end of the tunnel anymore or searching for the silver lining in things. I think about death quite often. I don't want to actively commit suicide, but I find myself hoping some accident or illness will take me away. I imagine it must be nice to be dead, to not feel anything anymore. I haven't self-harmed in over a month but I keep thinking about starting to again just to feel something. I've gotten drunk almost every night just to try and feel some semblance of happiness, to feel like "me," and not this depressed, sad person.

Several times over the past seven months I have thought I had reached my breaking point. I thought my suicide attempt was my break point. I was wrong. This is so much worse, this place of resignation, of hopelessness. I'm tired. I've given up on trying to get better because I don't see the point anymore. Even if I somehow manage to pull it together I'm just going to feel like this again in another year or two. On and on it's going to go for the rest of my life, and I just don't care anymore. There's no point in caring.

I guess I just need some hope. Some words of encouragement. I'm hoping someone may have some insight that can lead me to feeling like there's something worth giving a crap about, because I'm running out of things that make me feel that way. All I've got is my family, and I'm afraid that's not going to be enough eventually. Then I don't know where I'll be.

Help?