[perfectlyfalling]

I'm so sick of wanting to die. I wake up in the morning and see images flash in my head of nights I lost control and the faces of men whose eyes are just a colorless waste land. Blurred figures stand over me and I count the seconds till it's over. I keep telling myself: I've been through worse, I can make it out of this. But what if this right now is the worst thing? I come back and lay still on the sheets sweaty and I remind myself I'm safe. I plan out my death like a fighter pilot plans his attack. I am dripping with self-deprecating words and the thoughts? They don't stop. I stare at these scars and wonder if I was just a little stronger I could have stopped myself. As a girl my life was the injustice that occurs before the law and order theme song. Which sounds trivial but maybe if I had had an Olivia Benson I could have made a better life for myself.