[Jess~]

they told me that it would hurt
in every possible way there is
to feel pain.
physically.
emotionally.
mentally.
it would all hurt me so badly.

the thing is, i didn't feel the hurt.
not as it was happening
not that day
not even for a few weeks.

in fact
maybe i'm still waiting to feel the real hurt
because honestly,
i'm kind of okay.
i'm bruised.
i'm sad.
i wish it never happened.
but i'm not dying.
i know it's not the end of the world.
and i think i really could be okay someday.

which brings me to my next point

of when they told me i would never be perfectly okay again.
but did i even start out perfectly okay?
obviously if i had, i wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place.

but let's pretend i was
perfectly, 100%, absolutely happy
with myself and with my life
when it happened.
and then what?
am i just supposed to die of pure depression from this?
am i supposed to cry over something that already happened?
something that i can never fix?

they tell me things like
"you'll never trust men again"
or
"you'll have to let your future partners know what makes you uncomfortable"
or even
"a lot of victims have trouble even looking at their own bodies again.
they find themselves dirty
disgusting
t a i n t e d."

so am i supposed to, what, just drop all the amazing friendships i have with males in my life?
supposed to be scared of being with another guy??

what if i'm not uncomfortable with physical contact
with another human being?
what if it's being touched and cuddled and being held close that helps to
heal me?
that helps me to
feel safe??

am i dirty and disgusting and tainted now?
because of one mistake?
this one mistake that i didn't even make
but too many people say it's my fault and my problem alone.
or is that just what the world is going to make me believe of myself?

see, they told me that it would take a piece of my heart
that it would steal a part of me
away from myself
forever.

if anything, it gave me a bit of myself back.
it was a wake up call.
i fucked up and if i ever want to change my life around
i'm going to have to accept that it happened
admit that i shouldn't have been in that situation anyway
learn from it
and move on.

everyone says that the first time is the most special time.
how many times have you heard them say
"you only lose your virginity once"
?

the shitty thing is that it's true;
they're right.
and he stole my first time from me.
he stole it right out of my hands.

... if i could've stopped it in anyway possible..
don't you think i fucking would have???

and all i hear them saying now
is that i should've stopped it sooner.
i shouldn't have been messing with him in the first place.
that i could've done something.
that if i just listened to them months before
and cut it off for good,
this.
never.
would.
have.
happened.

well i'm sorry i can't see the fucking future.
i'm sorry i didn't have many alternatives
(and that i'm too good a friend to take the alternative that someone offered me.)

obviously i totally wanted this to happen.
that's why i let it.
that about sums up your logic,
your reasoning on why i convinced myself that doing something so stupid was okay
yeah?
well i'm glad you can read into my mind
so that i won't have to explain to you
how utterly fucked up it was in there
that made me need someone like him in my life.

i'm not stupid.
of course i knew he wasn't good for me.
of course i knew i could cut him off at any time.

so i apologize for not using my psychic abilities (which i so obviously have)
to see that this would happen.
because it was so blatantly self-evident, wasn't it?
aren't i such an idiot for not immediately knowing that a guy,
who had always, ALWAYS, asked for a straight-up "yes" before,
would ignore my many "no" "no" "NO"'s.


but back to them and how
wrong
they
are.

they tell me how only whores do this
or only sluts do that.
then label me one of those right then.

or at home they say how i could never be one
because who could ever be attracted to me,
right.
right??

and maybe that's why it happened in the first place.

because even though i knew he didn't love me
-- that he would never love me
or that he would never care;
what he did make me feel
was

wanted.

for once in my life
i finally felt attractive.
i felt desired by somebody.
i finally had this sense that somebody actually wanted me around
and that they wanted to do anything they could to keep me around.

i had nothing, and i held on to this something
-- to this knowledge that he wanted me --
and it was all i had to hold on to
in order to stop feeling so pathetically
ugly.
so horrendously and horribly
fat.
and
disgusting
and
revolting.

* * *

and that's the one thing they didn't get wrong.

because they told me that he wanted me.

but that all he wanted me for
was my body.

and that all he wanted it for
was sex.


i guess they finally got one right.
congrats.