An experience of self harm
By Jessie (Ailurophile)
Living with self harm can be hard and that's something that I can personally relate too. However, we can learn ways to manage self harm and to manage the feels beneath the self harm itself.
When I was nine, I started self harming. I'm now nearly 22 and I still do self harm. Never has it been easy. Its led to twelve hospitalizations, needing medical care such as stitches and surgery and has even left me physically unwell due to blood loss to the point of passing out and having a fit like experience. However, the harder part of it for me is the constant battle in my head. The thoughts that I don't want to keep doing it but I need it so do I or don't I?
For me, it all started from my background. I had a lot of things going on for me when I was younger, like my mum having mental health problems and being in hospital while I was left with my sister and my dad too look after us which was very hard. Along came a separation of my parents and a divorce which is still one of the hardest things I have to accept. My sister developed anorexia which was tough on us all. While I was at home hurting myself, she was in a psychiatric ward for anorexia and soon it became me who was the one in hospital.
My longest stay was two and a half years in a unit a long way away from harm, which was for women with borderline personality disorder but in my individual therapy, I focused on self harm. I thought when I became discharged, that I would never self harm again but I was so wrong. Since I've need stitches and staples a numerous amount of times, had to have surgery and have also had three hospital admissions to acute wards since. Now I realise that self harm isn't just something that can go away for me, but something I still need to learn to manage and deal with in an appropriate way. Health care professionals have asked me to stop completely, while others have asked me to get the risk of myself harm, lower but the truth is it isn't an easy fight. It's hard and it's a constant battle.
There is hope. I know so many people who are years free of self harm and one day I hope to be one of those people and if you also self harm, then I hope one day you will be one of those people too. And if you are one of those people, then good on you, keep fighting and never be alone. Recovery isn't easy at all but it can be well worth it. However, you have to be ready to stop self harming and ready to get better. If you don't want to then you won't. If you do want to, then you can and you will.
Having people support you can be so beneficial. Just having someone to talk too and listen to you can release a lot of intense emotions. Using distractions, I think, is vital. As long as you're distracting yourself then you are keeping busy. Also learning new skills to help you manage the urges to harm yourself can be incredibly helpful. Therapies can teach you skills, such as DBT.
Just know that you are never alone and hope is alive. Don't let anyone or anything get in your way of recovering from self harm, if you want to recover. Keep fighting for your life and never give in.