[Readein]

My father is old now. I was speaking in past tense for the whole first chunk up until the sex talk. He regrets the things he put me through. Hell, my mom can't even bring our childhood up without crying. She abused adderall so she was either passed out, or too sped up to make sense (cigarette holes everywhere) Besides a crack binge my dad went on last year; he's been pretty clean aside from all the opiates his pain doctor prescribes him.

Also while I still smoke; it's a lot less than I use too, and I don't go to parties or any public gatherings anymore due to my distaste for alcohol. I might do shrooms once every year or so, but done in the right context it can be really therapeautic. I do agree I need to quit smoking all together; pot is literally my only vice. I smoked cigarettes for 5 years, and quit cold turkey. There was a period in my life where I'd do anything that wasn't in a needle, and I've almost died more than once due to that lifestyle.

4 years ago Angel told me she would never be with me as an addict, and that day I quit cold turkey. Aside from a stent with alcohol my 21st year, and a relapse on ecstasy one dumb night; I've actually done well these 4 years. I love her more than I could ever lover anyone.

Me and Angel have an extremely honest relationship, and we both said things in our younger years we didn't mean. Things just tend to get stuck in my head. She's 100% cool with trying anything new sexually with me, but I've got way too much of a complex about it now. When we were younger she would get frustrated if I couldn't get off if she was doing something wrong. This was extremely stressful at the time. We've grown, and she realizes how stupid she was being, but as I said before things stick with me; been that way all my life.

She thought my feelings of wanting to sleep with someone else was an omen for us to fail, but it's really not. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but her; took a lot of convincing. I just wanted her to know the truth. I knew she wanted to try someone out besides me. I'm not sure she would've told me had I not stressed the fact I wouldn't be bothered by it, and honestly I'm not. As long as I'm present, know the person, and she's cool with it; it doesn't bother me. I do wish she felt the same, but I understand.

I've tried so hard to get past these mental walls that I always put up; I've never understood how to stop feeling a certain way. People have always told me "stop thinking about it" or "don't feel that way", but all I do is think. Ever since I was a kid I've had issues sleeping due to my mind always working. Even when I do sleep I wake up atleast every 30 minutes. I'm a knot of complexes and insecurities, and it ended me up in the loony bin once.

I wasn't going to mention this, but I'm feeling especially expressive tonight. About 2 years ago I got tired of waging a mental war with myself. I've felt this way since I was like 16. After getting close many times; I finally did it. Grabbed the nearest bottle, and tried to OD. As soon as I heard Angels voice to tell her bye I knew I fucked up. I couldn't throw them back up, so I went to the hospital. I hadn't realized (but should've) that she called an ambulance to my house. She's saved my life twice; this and getting me clean. Probably many more times. I don't want to paint her in the wrong light because she is a sweetheart, and wants nothing more but for me to be happy.

I'm the problem