[Readein]

I've came on here, and posted a few times through my life. I'm going on 24 now, and looking at my posts make me realize that I was being stupid. My depression however hasn't gotten much better.

I'm prone to drastic mood swings. They're exhausting to the point that feeling any excess emotion makes me anxious. I've always had issues with my father. On top of me being the oldest of 3 boys, and his drug addiction; he's always been a negative factor in my life. It wasn't until my mid-teens that I realized what I had been feeling was anxiety. My father often called me childish for these feelings so naturally I believed them to be. I'm practically hard-wired to reject emotion. Anytime I open up to someone; I immediately regret it, and the depression from that normally lasts a while. So I normally keep to myself; dealing with my emotions has never seemed to work for me.

I look in the mirror, and all I can feel is hate. I'm 24 and can't get on with my life due to all my intricacies. I can't properly communicate with people. I'm constantly given looks due to this, so I try to avoid talking as much as possible. My mind just goes blank, and I fill with anxiety anytime I feel I'm expected to talk.

I used to be a drug addict, then an alcoholic. These things made me social, and drove the anxiety out of me. My problem was that I used it as a crutch to fill the hole in me caused by not being social. Now all I do is smoke pot, and me using substances as a crutch made my social abilities even more shitty.

My dick ranges from 5.5-6 inches depending on the circumstances. For some reason it looks much smaller than that, and I received a lot of hate about it early on; making my self image even less. I always envied women; even though their sexuality is more mental they have a lot more sexual lee-way. I understand that women have the ability to chose from many partners, and us men don't. It's just the way it is. This means women can be far more picky in who they want to have sex with.

My fiance whom I've dated for 4 years was a virgin when we started, so she never got to experience another man. I've always felt guilty about this (even though my few sexual encounters prior to her weren't great) so I decided to make our relationship semi-open, and we're planning on surprising my friend when he gets out of prison by allowing him to have sex with her. This honestly doesn't bother me (truthfully it's a turn-on), and I happily await the day I get to share her. I mention all this to make the last paragraph make a little more sense. I want to sleep with another woman. Angel (my fiance) is VERY much against this notion, so obviously I won't, but the urge grows day by day. I can't expect her to have my exact sexuality, so I don't hold it against her. I know I never will, but this on top of all my anxiety is driving me up the wall.

The first thing she said when she grabbed my dick was "It's so small" I've never gotten those words out of my head. She's apologized again, and again, so I'm not mad at her. I've always felt like I didn't measure up, and it took a lot of courage to show it to her that day. That was 4 years ago, and it still haunts me. The worst part is that I know it's my own internalized hate; I understand that it doesn't matter that much, but rationality has never made me feel better. I considered cutting it off during a really bleak time in my life, but decided against it when I realize I'd probably bleed out.

Also I hate that all the work comes from men during sex. I work so hard to get her off only to feel unfulfilled after I get off. Sex used to be spontaneous and awesome, but now it might happen once a week if I'm lucky. I want her to initiate it sometimes, or atleast contribute to foreplay. It's practically impossible for me to tell someone they're doing something wrong so for the past 4 years I haven't really had anything done to me that I explicitly wanted. I could never face the shame of teaching my girl to give me a blowjob; knowing that she'll feel inadequate if she wan't doing it right (which is a feeling I know too well, and I hate making people feel the same.)

I want to sleep with a girl that I have absolutely no concerns about how she feels about me. I know that sounds harsh, but I want to explore myself sexually, and I just can't do that with someone I care so much about. I worry I will spend my entire younger years unfulfilled, and grow up not wanting to have sex anymore regretting that I never tried.

As of right now I've shut down sexually; it's the only thing that makes sense. I'm fiddling with the concept of being the boyfriend emotionally, and letting my friend (once released) to be her exclusive sexual partner. He's bigger than me, and probably would have no issue pushing her out of her comfort zone like I do. At a young age this would've seemed extreme, but now it's calming. Sometimes things don't get better. Sometimes things just aren't for you, and it's best to give in and accept this.

Anyways, I'm not necessarily looking for feedback, but if you wish I won't mind it. Just wanted to put this somewhere other than the back of my mind.