Hey guys.

I thought I would officially say I got out of the hospital on Monday after spending five days on a psychiatric unit. I pushed hard for me to go home on Monday. I was feeling a lot better. After two days I didn't want to hurt myself any longer. I made friends and was having really good days, so on Monday they granted my request and sent me home.

It was fine...for about ten hours. Then that night all the thoughts hit me like a train. I was having thoughts of suicide and self-harm again, about as bad as they were in mid-December, which is when they were at their worst, before I went on an anti-depressant. I'm thinking about it throughout a good portion of the day. I get some relief when I spend time with my friends with my friend or my partner, but when I'm alone it seems like it's all I think about. Things are getting increasingly dark. I've started becoming more preoccupied with what things would be like if I died, how to kill myself, etc.

I have no immediate plans to kill myself, but these thoughts are overwhelming and make me want to give up and cry. In addition resisting the urge to self-harm is very difficult. I think the only reason I haven't is because I don't want to self-harm before the big trip I have this weekend. It's also why I haven't been completely honest with my healthcare providers. I have been reporting the self-harm urges and suicidal ideation to my DBT therapist but I have rated the urges as low instead of high. I have individual therapy tomorrow and I'm going to tell her that things are fine and I feel better after the hospital. I don't want to go back in before this trip; I've been looking forward to it for months, and besides, I'm not going to hurt myself in the next couple of days. After this trip, though, there's really nothing to keep me going.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want to go back into the hospital again. I would feel like such a failure for going back, and this time they would keep me much longer. I'm also struggling with whether or not to withdraw from class this semester, which is difficult. On the one hand, I'm still very troubled. On the other, it would give me structure. I don't know. I don't know much of anything these days.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I feel like I am about to give up.