[Kate*]

Sometimes I still want to go back because I want what I wish it had been like, not what it really was, but the fact that a disability makes it (and pretty much everything I ever planned) impossible makes it SO much harder to deal with. For the first time in 15 months I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again, but that never lasts. I want to maintain some of the connections, but I don't know how to do that. As much as I want to believe that everything is going to eventually be okay, nothing has ever really worked out so I can't trust anyone or anything. I want my life back with you in it in some way, but that won't happen.

I HATE this and you get to go on with life having NO IDEA what you've left me with. Some of it I understand, a lot of it I don't. The decision I get, the way I was treated and the fact that the entire profession is that way when every single one of you knows better, I will never understand. I was told you'd be willing to help me out, but I'll probably never ask because I've been lied to and jerked around so much that I don't know what to believe anymore. I admitted that I seriously screwed up, she never had to admit the same. She did me WAY wrong to get rid of me and got away with it.

I want everything I can never have and no one knows what to tell me. You only think I can make it because you don't know the whole story (and severely resist my efforts to explain what you're missing.) No one with this has ever survived it and been happy with what they've been left with.