[AliceGhoul]

Hiii,
I actually decided to come back to this site after awhile. Im back here, because I've been struggling with severe depression, severe anxiety, and often suicidal thoughts. I've lasted without therapy or any meds for about 10 years. Like before about 1-2 years ago, I used to be a happier person and used to not think about suicide at all or really very rarely, but all of a sudden, I have to deal with my grandpa dying and at the moment, my grandma has cancer, so I'm not sure how long she has left. Always having job hunting troubles cause people are a bitch and dont want to hire some anxious, depressed person. Home used to feel like home to me and I used to have no troubles being at home and I used to feel safe. Now..all I think about is running away or moving out, however no income means no moving out. This is cause I dont feel all that sane in my house. It feels like hell. My urge to have a clean house and the wanting to be taken cared of is making feel insane. I want to be independent. I just want to have my sanity back, but right now, I feel insane as shit and about to lose my god damn mind. Every since my grandma left to live with my uncle and aunt, the stress has been at its highest constantly. I cant sleep, im always worrying about eating and feel like I'm losing weight than gaining weight, im constantly thinking of suicide (I even have this habit of strangling myself when im laying down and thinking of ways to just end myself). Im dreaming of stabbing myself over and over again and even doing self-torture. Im absolutely going insane and i feel like always that one day im going to really going to kill myself. Btw I am in therapy however i dont really feel all that different. Rather i feel worse and Im prob going to ask my therapist to go on meds if i cant get myself straighten out soon.