|
Re: Cutting again and stuff to do with my boyfriend (long rant) -
December 23rd 2015, 12:24 AM
Thank you for the suggestions. I will try some of them.
I don't have any friends or family members that will be available and that's half the issue. I am always alone after christmas and I thought this year would be different. I thought I would be a little safer because being with him helps my urges immensely and I feel so safe and secure with him.
I know he'll probably text me a bit on his way up there and while he is there but I'll be angry...because I am still so angry about him....that texting or talking to him won't be a good idea because that anger will be evident. However, if he texts, he'll know I am angry because my responses will be short and then he'll feel bad but I know I won't be able to muster the energy but to be anything but short. Not out of childishness but because I don't want to let my anger out on him and say something I'll regret.
I was going to see a movie when he was out of town but due to unexpected medical costs I don't have the money for that. So I'll have to stay at home, alone and feeling like shit. I might watch some of the holiday movies they'll have on hallmark. They usually continue playing them till the new year or play new years based ones...if I remember correctly.
But, I am really scared at how unsafe I am already feeling and anger is one of my biggest triggers.
He's such a great guy and I know if he knew I didn't think I would be safe this weekend he wouldn't go but I am not going to have him miss out on something he's been looking forward too just because I know being alone is going to be dangerous.
The only person I can hang out with is my dad but I think I mentioned that his partner is triggering and I would just get upset, leave and end up coming home and definitely cutting.
This just put me in a bad situation but I know it puts my boyfriend in one too because I'll be bad at him and he'll figure it out if he texts me and then he'll be upset and might not enjoy himself. He has so much going on right now that I want him to enjoy himself. I do but I just wish it hadn't been planned on this holiday weekend.
I'll get through it but I can't guarantee I'll get through it without harming myself and that's what worries me. I worry the anger will get the best of me and I'll end up doing severe damage like I did on the ninth and have to get help. That would make my boyfriend feel guilty too because he'll think it was because of him.
Idk, there is no resolution to that problem. I have some distractions I can utilize and I will but once those run out I am worried.
I'll get through it. I've gotten through the past few holidays alone but I feel more unsafe then I have felt in a long time.
|