[hocus pocus]

You mentioned looking for a new therapist soon and I know we've talked about this before in the past, but I think you should look for someone who does EMDR. I know you've talked about your abuse but this could help your brain do a little more processing, and it can also help you feel less dangerous. People seem to either love it or hate it but it's worth a try. I haven't done it that often, because when you first start it, it can make you dissociate a lot and it's also exhausting and it can make you feel dangerous for the first few sessions, too. That's something you'd have to be careful with but once you're past that you might really benefit. My therapist had me come up with a safe word and he actually programmed my subconscious and whenever that word is said, I calm down. I don't want to give up self-harm, but he is also planning to program my subconscious with sayings like, "My skin is my protector" and other sayings to keep me from self-harming. All of that subconscious stuff is extremely powerful and I think it could help you. The rough thing is getting past those first few sessions and I'll be here for you during that.

I think getting a second opinion with a new psychiatrist is a good idea. It must be frustrating when your old therapist told you to talk to your psychiatrist and your psychiatrist told you to work on it in therapy. My psychiatrist talks about dissociation but doesn't give too many coping skills for it. You definitely do need a therapist who will brainstorm skills with you because trying new skills is a constant thing.

Even though you've stopped taking your antibiotics, maybe you can at least try to keep your wounds clean. I have a habit of cutting in the shower, too, and I usually get into trouble with blacking out from the surplus of hormones I get from cutting, so try to be careful if you continue cutting. I know you like Christmas movies so if you need a distraction we can watch some together (or together as we'll get in different timezones ) and text while watching it or something. You said you don't want to get into all of your triggers and if you don't want to post them publicly, you can PM me. I won't ever think of you differently for talking about them.

Do you think it's possible to help your boyfriend move in and then plan on going to the hospital if you feel you need to? You also might feel a little safer when he's around, too. Maybe you won't want to hurt yourself as much.

I don't think it's childish to be upset about his plans for Christmas weekend. Christmas is on a Friday this year so it's kind of odd. If it were on a Monday or something, or earlier in the week, you would have had more time to hang out. I definitely think he should have asked if you had anything going on before deciding to go. You're not worthless, though. It sounds like it was a spur of the moment thing and he didn't take time to think everything through before giving an answer.

Do you have any plans the week following Christmas? A lot of people still celebrate then, too. Maybe you can plan your own little Christmas later on or you can celebrate on New Years. Maybe you can ask your boyfriend what his plans are. But, if you start planning something now, it could get you excited and it could give you something to look forward to.

I'm always here if you need anything.