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Re: Cutting again and kind of worried but kind of not -
December 21st 2015, 07:15 PM
I suppose I'll post this here since this is one of the things that is triggering me and causing me to want to cut this coming weekend and has caused me to cut in the shower last night.
I admit it's really stupid to be upset about this but I really just can't seem to help it. I blogged about this first but I thought maybe making a post about it would help in some way. Please don't think I am childish or stupid for being upset over this.
I'm really upset with my boyfriend and I probably have no right to be. I'm probably being stupid and childish but I can't help it.
See, he's going out of town the 26th and the 27th to go see star wars in a really nice theater. Better then any of the the theaters here. He's been looking forward to this trip since forever. I always get a little upset when he does things that get in the way of out time together but this upsets me more because it's the holiday weekend. I know that's a stupid reason but the few days after Christmas are hard for me. I'm always left alone while my brothers spend time with their families and my dad does stuff with his partner. I was hoping this year would be different and I'd get to spend those depressing days with someone that I love.
That's not the only reason I'm upset though. We only get Christmas eve and Christmas together and really we'll only have Christmas eve to ourselves because Christmas will be full of family obligations. We will be visiting his parents (which I don't want to do because I don't like his dad and have lost respect for him) and then we have my family dinner. That can go late sometimes. It all really depends. So, basically we will have Christmas eve together and that's it. He told me I could still spend the night on Christmas (which is what I wanted) but the I'll be on a time frame for when I wake up and leave and depending on how late my family thing goes I might want to sleep in. I don't spend a lot of time with my family and I want to enjoy the holiday with them (even though I'm dreading it) I don't want to be on a time frame in regards to how much time I spend with them so that him and I can hang out a bit on Christmas. I compromise a lot when it comes to family stuff because I know social situations stress my boyfriend out and I k of he doesn't want to spend all night at my families. But, this one time I don't want to compromise.
It upsets me that he didn't consult me about it. He says his friend just bought the tickets for the movie and threw it at him but in my opinion he still could have asked. When he first told me we kind of argued and he said that if my friends got tickets to an event I would go even if it was something like a Christmas weekend. I told him I might go but I'd talk to him about it and then I told him that in all reality I'd probably rather spend the time with him. He said that made him feel like an asshole. I didn't know what to say to that because I felt like he was an asshole. I think part of the issue is that relationships are new for him so he didn't think to check in.
The other issue I'm having is that I do feel like he'd prefer spending time with his friends then with me. He says it's not true and that he's put off hanging out with them for me. But, there have been a number of times where he just randomly threw at me that we either weren't hanging out so he could hang out with friends or he was cutting out time together short to hang out with friends. I get a little upset by this but I do want him to hang out with his friends sometimes especially since he doesn't have a lot of friends. I just wish he would talk to me about it instead of just telling me. That's probably irrational too but your supposed to communicate about those kinds of things.
I honestly feel like his friends are more important then I am. It would make sense since he has known them so long. I want him to maintain his friendships but stuff like this irritates me and hurts my feelings. It's important that he maintain friendships for the simple fact that if we ever break up he'll have the support to deal with it. There are other reasons too.
We talked about it a little bit on Saturday and my feelings got hurt so I just went to bed. He put his hands on me and I felt like pushing them away because I was upset but I knew that would hurt him and I couldn't do that.
On Sunday I was more quiet in text then usual and he knew I was mad. He said he could cancel but it's like as much as I'd like him too I know he'd resent me and be miserable that weekend and I don't want that. I try so hard to make it that he's happy. I'm just stuck in a terrible position because I'm super unhappy about all of this. I'm angry and hurt but I can't ask him not to go to an event he's been looking forward to for months. He says his position isn't any better either not going or having me mad at him. I told him I realized that but I couldn't help how I was feeling. I told him I had the right to be upset but he just doesn't seem to get it. I'm still mad at him. I'm still hurt by his actions and all I can think about is the amount of cutting I can do that weekend.
I hate posting about this stuff because my relationship isn't bad. It's actually pretty good and when I'm with him I feel happy. We are just dealing with a lot of stressful things right now which are making me unhappy and this situation just pisses me off. In all reality I don't really want to talk to him. He should have asked me if anything was going on that weekend. I could have explained to him about the weekend. Now we get one day together. I know I should be grateful to have him in my life but right now I'm just pissed off that he made this choice. But, I can't blame him I wouldn't want to be stuck with me when I could be down in LA watching star wars.
I feel worthless and I feel like his friends matter more and this brought those feelings up quite a bit.
I'm an irrational bitch.
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