TeenHelp - View Single Post - Triggering (SH): Cutting again and stuff to do with my boyfriend (long rant)

Edit avatar · 07:16 PM

I'm cutting again. I'm cutting dangerously deep when I'm dissociated ( I made a thread about that). But, I've cut a few times when not dissociated. The last time I cut was pretty bad. There were literally pools of blood all over the bathroom floor. (I was dissociated and thought the bleeding had stopped or wasn't that bad). I would clean up one pool of blood and look around and there would be another. I freaked my dad out and he called 911. I was planning on going to the Er when he fell asleep but that didn't happen.

The thing is this last incident should have scared me and it didn't. I for an infection and I've stopped taking the antibiotics. I can't afford for the infection to get worse or bad again because I have things going on in the new year that I need to be around for and if the infection doesn't improve they'll hospitalize me.

I cut last night in the shower. It wasn't deep but it was on the back of my arm and I'm worried my dad will see it. I want him to think that the 9th was a fluke.

I hate being back here and I'm worried. Two and a half years ago I stopped cutting because I scared myself and I also didn't want to have to go in and out of the ER for medical attention the rest of my life. At this point I don't care.

The only thing I do care about is losing my boyfriend. He says this won't push him away but of it gets bad again and I'm cutting all the time he'll get fed up. I can't hide it from him forever. I mean, right now new cuts would be easy to hide because we don't have that active of a sex life due to the high amounts of stress we are both dealing with.

I do know some of my triggers but I don't feel like going into detail right now.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I'm working on getting a new therapist in the new year. Someone that will work with me on coming up with coping skills and who will help me figure out this dissociation. My current therapist has not been helping with that.

My psychiatrist hasn't changed my meds in a few months and I'm super depressed. He didn't change my meds this last time because he said my cutting was due to dissociation and I needed to deal with that in therapy. I'm literally on one medication and half the time I don't know if it works. That has me tempted to stop taking it.

I'm planning on getting a second opinion in the new year when I change insurance. I'll stay with my psychiatrist but I'll just get a new perspective on things and see if this psychiatrist can suggest a medication. I need something for my depression but none of the anti depressants work. I might need another mood stabilizer but I'm not a doctor and most make you gain.

I'm worried I'm not gonna stop cutting and I'm gonna lose everything. I don't exactly want to stop but then I do. I doubt that makes sense. I don't want to self harm the rest of my life but then I don't care if I do.

I'm tired and honestly I should have stayed in the psych unit longer and let them mess with my medications but I was so worried about missing the first Christmas with my boyfriend. Plus I was kind of uncomfortable because I didn't have a lot of stuff and my hair was greasy and I had one outfit.

I could go back after Christmas but my boyfriend has to move out of his place and I'm helping him pay for storage and a uhaul since he has no money. If I go into the hospital that leaves him with no place to stay and no way to move all his stuff out of his current Residence.

There's so much going on and I should probably post about it but I don't want people to judge. Maybe I'll post about it later.

I'm just worried about my self harm again. If I was just cutting shallow cuts I wouldn't care but I'm not. Last time I cut I ended up with 41 staples. That's about half of what I ended up with when I stopped cutting those two years ago and none of it bothers me. I was worried about the infection and thought that would help stop me but I don't care.

For reasons, I plan on cutting this upcoming weekend (I should probably post about that too). I want to go deep but I don't know if I will. I literally can't afford to go back to the hospital. I have to be able to help my boyfriend because his dad is an asshole and won't help him and doesn't give a shit if he ends up homeless which he would if not for my dad letting him stay with us for a little while.