[Calaer]

I went back to the doctor yesterday, and while there are still a lot of red flags, we were finally able to hear a heart beat. It was very low, but it was there. Which also means there happened to be enough change in the now fetus to change the doctors mind about a D&C for this moment in time.

Problem is, there are still a lot of things wrong with this pregnancy, and I'm still on high alert. It just makes things even more nerve wracking at this point. I've been stressing myself out week by week waiting for what I believe to be some really horrible news, and then she just wants me to wait another week with a glimmer of hope. Of course my mother is just thrilled, but I refuse to see this as a good thing yet.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to get excited over this one thing, just for it to fall apart. This morning (It's currently 5:33 am) I woke up at four, in pain, and bleeding. Unless the bleeding doesn't stop on it's own in an hour, I'm not going in to the ER, as they never do anything, and can't do anything unless I'm dying basically.

Every time I cramp, or start to bleed, my heart drops, I think 'this is it. I'm going to miscarry.' I just can't live like this! I have no idea how any women does! It's driving me insane, and while I know I should try and stay as relaxed as possible, I can't help but to feel emotionally and physically overwhelmed. I knew I would have a high risk pregnancy, but something like this was NEVER what I expected.

Just keep us in your prayers. God has gotten us this far, and I truly hope he delivers us to the end with a healthy and full term baby.