[Despair...]

I HATE posting now in the forums because my dad has checked my history and literally taken pictures of what I post on here and show it to others, and make fun of me, and say that I lie on here, which hurts me and ties into what just happened like 10 minutes ago. I was screaming at my dad to unrestrict my therapist on my phone so I could schedule the appointment, and he said no, that he has to schedule the appointments since im the child. And I just flipped out, I feel that I have zero control in my life. ZERO, NOTHING. So I picked up this little vacuum thing and hit my brother really hard with it since he was telling me what to do.. I really regret it.. I do this all the time! I've broken a billion things in my house.. I cant handle this!! I hate being bipolar. Like I will tell myself I can do this, and I will feel fine, like this morning I was doing great! And then everything falls apart, like right now. Im currently home alone and I have new blades in my room, and I have such bad ideas right now. I want to cut so deep that I will pass out. But I cant.. I have soccer... they cant notice... ugh but I want to so bad.. I hate my life so much right now. I HATE IT. Now my dad is not letting me go to my soccer game on Thursday, and forcing me to go to my therapy session then instead of scheduling a different date. I feel like im going to flip out of anger at my therapy session in the waiting room and make a scene. Im so angry. I know it will happen. I cant do this.. I know you guys will tell me to be strong. But I cant. Like everyone at my school practically hates me.. Im this freak. Nobody understands what this is like!

now im calm, and I regret doing everything. Ugh