So, up until August of this year I was self harm free for two and a half years. I relapsed and it was pretty well thought out. I ended up confiding in my boyfriend about the fact that I was doing it and it caused a lot of tension in our relationship. I didn't like that tension and I didn't like that I was hurting him so I stopped.

Thing is I was doing pretty good. I was having urges but I was able to make it through them. Then, the day before Thanksgiving I dissociated and cut. I cut deep as well. Then this past wednesday I was dissociated as well and I ended up cutting. I was so out of it that I got blood all over the place and I didn't even notice that my wound was still bleeding until my dad pointed it out and I noticed the pools of blood. I was freaked out at that point and I think that's when I fully came out of the dissociation.

My dad was mad and I told him I couldn't help it but he didn't get it and yelled and told me I could talk to someone.

The thing is, all the coping skills I have don't work when I am dissociated.

I plan on talking to my psychiatrist about this tomorrow and my therapist on Wednesday although I doubt she'll be of much help. I have tried talking to her about my dissociation twice. The first time she told me to talk to my psychiatrist which I did. The second time I told her I was dissociated and cutting and she just asked how I knew I was dissociated.

I guess, I just need some suggestions to deal with the dissociation and self harm. I am terrified that I am gonna end up doing permanent damage because I cut deep. I mean, this last time I had to have hit a vein because of all the blood and how fast it was pooling on the ground.

So, anyone who has dealt with this what helps you? I don't want to cut again because they'll just send me to inpatient. I don't want to go back there at all and I don't really get much out of it.