[Always *]

Depression isn't my "real" problem; by "real" I mean the diagnosable one. I do have generalized anxiety, but lately I have been getting really depressed. I have been trying for months to find a job (everyone is rejecting me and I honest to god have no idea what I am doing wrong or if it is just bad luck). I hate having to tell people I am still unemployed; it's humiliating and I feel like a failure. I hate sitting around at home all day alone. It's getting hard to even do something simple like go out for a movie with a friend, go to the gym or anything like that even though I know those things are good for me. In all honesty, I know I am in a better position than most, but I am also combatting trying not to fall back into disordered behaviours around food and my weight and my normal anxiety etc.

I know that I should go to see a counsellor but I've had really bad experiences with them. I have tried to see 4 different counsellors and end up feeling like nothing is getting done and I don't have the money to spend on not seeing results, so consequently I feel very anti-counselling on a personal level - I know it's a good thing and would tell others to go, but I really don't want to go because I don't have that sort of money to spend. I also have no idea what I should expect to get out of it. All of the "problems" in my life that make my anxiety or depression worse are things that just need solving (such as being unemployed) and a counsellor cannot fix that for me. I have also been depressed/anxious for years so I have pretty good coping mechanisms. The only thing I don't have a handle on is my ever changing self esteem and my tendency to doubt myself and lack confidence but I don't even know how to explain that or how a counsellor can help me fix it. Any ways, mostly just needed to vent but if anyone has advice that would be fabulous.