[dani99]

Trigger warning! Includes rape, self harm, abusive relationships, miscarriage, abortion, suicidal thoughts....
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I've been away for a while, for over a year now. But I needed to come back on here because so much has happened. I'm just going to number them down the page because that is the simplest way to do it. But in short, this has caused me to become depressed again.

1. Last year in 2014 I learned that my dad was not my biological dad. My mom remembers close to nothing of the man who is, so my chances of finding him are slim. And with the limited information I have, it'll be a bit expensive if I even tried.

2. Last year in 2014 I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease called fabry disease. It's where my body doesn't produce a certain enzyme, and it damages organs such as my heart, kidneys, and brain and can cause a lot of pain and other issues. There is no cure, and it's so frustrating to have. I also have been diagnosed with PCOS and hypoglycemia, which makes everything more difficult. My whole life is one big doctor's appointment. I can't ever get a break.

3. Last year on November 25th, 2014 I had an abortion. I was in college still, and had no money or place to live other than the dorm. I am 100% pro choice, but part of me feels sad about my choice. It was for the best, but I wish I had a way to keep the pregnancy. If I had known what my life would have been like around my due date, I might have chosen differently.

4. Last year in December me and my (ex) got back together. We had dated before then, took a small break (I got pregnant in the middle of that small break). We acted like a couple during the time of my abortion, but weren't official. But it's like we picked back up where we left off. We made it official in December and 2 weeks into dating official again, we decided to try to conceive a baby. I know, it was a dumb choice to try so soon. Not to mention, I had just had an abortion. I didn't know at the time that my life would have turned around so fast. I think part of my rushed choice was sadness over my abortion

But we tried for a baby. I had gained weight, so I ovulated less (according to my doctor), as I have PCOS. Around June, me and him started arguing more. I thought it was the stress of trying. We had tried everything between seeing a doctor to ovulation tests to tracking and taking temps.... nothing worked. Over the next few months, it got bad. He pushed and pushed my boundaries. He yelled at me for having anxiety attacks. He was so mean to me and manipulative and tried to make me do things I was not comfortable with doing. I would wake up to him touching me in my sleep although he knew about my rape in 2013. I stayed with him until October 5th before I decided I needed to end things with him. I am so grateful I didn't end up pregnant with his baby, but I still have anxiety thinking about that relationship...

5. And now the 2 year mark since my rape is in a few days. I want to die.

6. The 2 year and 4 year mark since my miscarriages are coming up, too (yes, one was from my rape...). I don't want to deal with those days, but it's all going to hit me at once.

7. I used to post about him, but my ex from 2011/2012 just got married. I know it's been forever, I should be over him. And I pretty much am. But at the same time, my mind and heart won't let go of it all. He was the only person I ever really really loved, and wanted to marry. Now I don't ever want to get married, the thought makes me sick. But he just got married. I'm happy for him, but sad for me. I wish I knew how to let go. Nothing I do can make myself let go. He was also the father of my baby I lost almost 4 years ago, which makes it harder.

8. I'm working my first job at Wendy's and it's so draining. My manager is emotionally abusive and is always yelling at me, calling me names, insisting that I'm stupid, and she is always saying insensitive things towards me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her and every time I work with her, I end up crying as soon as I get home. I can't wait to leave...

I'm so depressed. I was on Wellbutrin, but it made my depression worse and I got suicidal. Now I'm waiting to see my dr so I can try something new. My counselor I used to see who used to kind of help recently died of cancer, so now I need to find a new one...which is hard because my old one is the only one I ever grew to trust, and I'm still grieving.

I don't know how to deal with my feelings.