[xcloudymindx]

Just feel like venting some issues - sort of - Sorry it's long if anyone bothers reading it.

I'd been out of education since Year 10 - I left at the start of January last year and rarely showed up during the months before. This was because of depression, my mental state was extremely 'unfit' and the doctor signed me on the sick stating I can't go back like the way I was: Completely muted and unable to communicate.

I was placed in a educational system by the hospital, they do therapy along side your main subjects: Math, English, Science and ICT. But I struggled there, I was in 4 days a week, and I got so bad, I was only having to go in 1 day.

I got some stability through Horses, I've always had a passion for them since young, always goaled to work with them. So I found a yard, got into work experience, then because of this I got some work experience with a Equine college for 5 months. This gave me the chance to get on to a Equine course - without any qualifications.

So I'm at college, Doing what I love. And I've settled in well, And is actually been a turn around and has helped me - motivational wise.

But I still am stuck in a deep sadness, battling anxiety, walking with a tug of constant overwhelmed emptiness, self harm - relapsing, urging, etc

For while I've been able to hold off, like just bring out the play character, and act like I'm okay. But it's wearing to a breaking point, I'm exhausted, I'm draining away, I've got so much over thinking rattled inside my head - its over powering everything and anything. I'm slowly slipping away, with the friends I've made, I'm going back into isolating mode - I hang with them, but my mind is elsewhere? Its not there, where I am, its either in thoughts or just in the massive blank cloud, it's like nothingness? And I have moments where my heart races and I forget I'm alive, forget the wold is real, and I panic, I'll try and think of a memory to check the life is real, but I can't think, then my heart races more... and then when it passes, I'm
just, I feel like I've just woke up? and its all empty, and nothingness again.

I'm not comfortable opening up to my friends about my mental health issues, in fact I decided I wouldn't let them find out and that's just the best way to be relaxed for me.

Its just dragging through, I half the time don't want to exist, I'm seeking comfort in thoughts of just disappearing. Things aren't the greatest at home either. And Being through a 22 months of a mental abusive relationship, and that I've ended it, and other things that have happened over the last 12 months, my mind is constantly active with things or completely blanked out.

I'm tying this into college because I'm struggling in forms of concentrating. When I'm with the horses, I'm fine - its really therapeutic I forget about things, I don't have to feel this pressure of being who I am around the horse.

But in classroom work, I was okay with it for the start - but now I'm fidgeting, I cant keep still, I can't stop pacing the time I'm impatient and feel like if the lesson doesn't end soon; I'll explode. I'm worrying, in case I look awkward, close to crying, sweating, feeling sickened etc.

Or I backtrack - I use other people as a distraction, mess around (to cover up what's happening inside) I'll be loud, destructive, and silly... Or irritating like I'll keep clicking the pen in my hand; or using anything I can find to toy with.

And if it's not that: I'm zoned out. My mind isolates away from everything. I'm just in this bubble of nothingness, empty and just unaware of my surroundings. Which then I don't hear anything: and when I click back, I'm in panic mode about what I've missed, or what I'm suppose to be doing.
Nothing feel's real, half the time life doesn't feel real, I feel like I'm dead, or this whole living thing isn't real.

In the Maths subject, I'm very on edge. I hate maths, I never understand maths. It just brings this massive wave of anxiety over me. I'm usually sat debating on whether I should just get up and leave; cause I feel so useless and dam pointless being there. & I've reached out for help with the teacher, but he just blanks me. Or when its explained: I don't hear the person talking, I go numb, and all I think is 'Blackness' seriously I try to think but its all black, nothing there, black... I can almost see it.

Again other day English: We had an assessment, we had 40minutes & the timer was on the board. It's been a while since I've sat any assessments (I didn't do exams etc.) so it was unsettling. And I was sat next to my sort of boyfriend, and he could see I was on edge, so he had his hand on my knee.

I shield my body side ways; because I know its unacceptable in lessons: I'm quite sensible in knowing relationships are for outside of school, college work etc. And so I was ignoring it.

But I was having a zone out thing thinking thing: I was muddling my thoughts with problems, and the writing I was suppose to be doing. Like for a moment I'd be thinking what to write and when I was gonna write it I'd loose the idea, and be thinking of something upsetting or just things playing on my mind; This caused irritation with myself; I was dying to get out of the room, and the timer I couldn't stop staring at it, it was pressuring, the lower it got, the worse I felt, and when I tried to re-think the writing, it was blackness, again. That same blackness. And that's it, once its at the black stage I cannot think, it just goes really sad and its confusing and horrible.

So in the end I didn't write a single word. Which disappointed me further; and my teacher. He knows I'm capable, I know I'm quite clever at what we were doing, and I was in such guilt. But he obviously had no idea what was happening inside, and he was in disbelief I hadn't wrote a single word. Not one. And I just faced him with a 'cocky tone' like made myself sound careless and not at all bothered: But it hurt me deeply. I wanted to cry and just find a way of making him understand. I said I found the timer was pressurising my thoughts, but he said "Well you can't get out of a time limit when you sit your exam" - But the timer isn't in front of your face in a exam... Anyway, My boy friend, produced little which made the scenario worse, because my teacher clearly thought we was distracting each other.

He had no idea, that I even for a while forgot where I was - sometimes that happens, I snap back into my task, thinking "why am I sat here?" then I remember... He had no idea that I was fighting myself through those 40 minutes, It was nothing to do with having my friend sat next to me, the same would have happened anywhere because I get anxiety around people I don't really know, or just in these situations.

So my friend sadly got lectured after class... And we both have to produce some work at home and bring it back.

The thing is: what happened in class is happening at home: I still cannot get my brain to rattle this work, I can't think besides just nothing. Or my thoughts back track on to other things: Nothing I try is working! I'm helpless! And just not caring anymore. I hate myself for this... For everything....

I just don't know how much more I can cope, how much further I can continue... its really draining living in the weight of emptiness...

I guess I just needed to vent, even though I still feel just as worse... sighs.