[still surviving]

ohhhh you sons of a B, my own parents, making me wish to suicide, I KNOW YOU LIKE TEENAGE GIRLS DAD, I DONT KNOW NOW THANKFULLY, BUT IF YOU HAD THE CHOICE ONE YEAR AGO, WHEN I WAS WEAKER THAN EVER, A FEW MONTHS AFTER MY OWN MOTHER ABANDONED ME, IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE THEN IF SURE YOU WOULD F*** A GIRL, YOU EVEN TRIED TO ASK THE NUMBER TO A GIRL, YOU COULDNT STOP STARING AT HER BODY.............. EVEN WITH ALL YOU HURT ME BEFORE MY MOM LEFT US, AND IF I STAND UP AGAISNT YOU, YOU WILL PUNISH ME, TREATHEN ME TO HIT ME, AND STOP ME FROM HAVING A GOOD PSYCOLOGICAL HEALTH YOUR ABUSING ME AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU KNOW IT!!!! DAMN YOU, I WANT YOU TO CRY AS MUCH AND DOUBLE AS YOU AND MY MOTHER MADE ME CRY, YOU DESTROY MY DREAMS MY CHILDHOOD.... AND EVEN IF I TOLD SOMEONE I TRUST ABOUT YOUR STU.... THEFFY WOULD NEVER BELIEVE ME......... GOD DAMN IT IM ALONE IN THIS WORLD, SOMETIMES IM JUST DOWN IN THE GROUND WONDERING "WHY DONT I JUST KILL MYSELF" at least i dont pay much attention to those thoughts......... DAMN YOU BOTH



ARENT YOU ASHAMED TO SURROUND MY ARGUMENTS?? I GET ANGRIER AND ANGRIER....... SOMETIMES MY STOMACH HURTS ME SO BAD SO AS MY HEAD, I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO... EVERYTIME THE ANGER GETS WORST......... AT LEAST YOUR SUPPORTIVE IN ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE, DADDY, NOT LIKE MY MOTHER, THANK YOU MOTHER FOR STEALING MY FUTURE!!!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR STEALING MY MONEY FOR COLLEGE, THANK YOU FOR LYING AND BETRAYING ME, THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPLETE LACK OF CONCERN OR LOVE......


Uhhh.... i feel... so.... little..... people say im smart, good looking, nice and everything....

then why do i feel like the biggest stupid a***le in the world? i sometimes HATE myself for absolutely no reason....my self steem is incredibly low....... and i have to fake everywhere with everybody... incluiding my dad

i confronted my dad today, he make his psycological warfare crap, and now he got very very angry with me, he says its the last week he will feed me out of his pocket, im not even old enough to work legally... he wants me to ask my mother for money.... the same mother that stabbed me (and dad) and NEVER GAVE A PENNY OF A F**K FOR ME!!!

and children of divorce think the world has dropped its worst on them... you little babys. ... please, sorry for that, forgive me, i didnt realy mean it... your hurt is as important as mine...


i wish i was a stupid 12 year old when my family was still functional and my biggest worry was girls not to like me, my dad is an A type person, my mother? was a good person when she married my dad, still a C TYPE PERSON, then she became a D type person, she never gave a F**** about the example she was giving me or how she was raising me, she inculcated me to fear my father (of course before all this sht) and until a few months i could never be with my dad without being afraid, i did great in school, and everything though.....i dont have the gone fishing, went to the game, nice evening with daddy all the other children have.... that gave me big time shyness with everything, with girls.... and then i wanted to change, if my father got mad at me i didnt had the strenght to say sorryo to say something, my throat wouldnt just let me speak, then i tried one time, my father told me i was rebellious, called a big friend of him (and mine) that friend was 60 years old... i used to trust him... they were both speaking and planning how they should punish me for being rebellius, he screamed at me like never before.... said something about girls.... i couldnt believe it and boom, my confidence was 100% destroyed, i depressed myself, i hit myself sometimes, i started disrespecting me..... a lot of girls liked me and for that other day i didnt had the confidence to talk to them, i just frightfully stared at them while they stared at me... they left deceptioned and the first moment i had alone, i went to my room and cried... a lot.... everytime my dad does his stuff... i re live every moment of pain i had back then.......


i know, im ridiculously shy...... unsecure........ and maybe stupid............ i cant stand in front of a girl... im just frightened to death moving my eyes to all directions... i used to be nice and confident with girls as f***

people of my age dont like me, im trying not to act like i do (nervous, weird, freak) but i behave normally with people over my range of age, all the adults i talk to, say they love me, they love my attitude, love my interests, my feelings, my smartness............ i still feel like an idiot........ i wake up and think im the worst person in the world until someone says the opposite..........