[Kate*]

I feel like I'm trapped in my body, I'm miserable, all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, and nothing will ever go right. Success with this disorder never happens so if that's what you want for me, you'll be disappointed, but it's not the first time I've disappointed you. I want the conversation you told me we would have. It probably wasn't anything major or even that helpful, but I feel like I missed out on something. It's not like you think about me this much and the flashbacks can stop now.

You said you wanted me to succeed, even if it wasn't with you. Unfortunately, you're going to be disappointed. Success with this is impossible, much like everything else I want. I will never have it, that's why the suicide rate is so high for people like me. I want you to have to contend with this, but you'll never have to even if I were to ask I know you couldn't help me even if you wanted to.

I want to contact you so badly right now (which is exactly why I made that boundary for myself), you did say to let you know if I needed anything, but you also end all your emails that way so I know you don't really mean it, plus you're dealing with God knows what so you couldn't help me even if you wanted to. I really wish you could though, I don't know what else to do. I know offers of help are by no means guaranteed, he offered in person, in front of witnesses and then blew me off (and no one could believe he did because it was so unlike him), I'm out of ideas, but at least most of the flash backs stopped, but part of me still feels like it might happen for no reason. I HATE THIS and I'm DONE.