[Kindred]

Hey,

First of all, I want to say good on you for making the decision to forgive him. Forgiving after betrayal of any kind is by no means easy, so good on you for being willing to do what you can to save the relationship. What I will say is this is a two way process; he has to be willing to work to fix this relationship just as much if not more than you are. You mention he's being apologetic, which is a good sign, and I'm sure he already knows this, but I thought I'd just mention it to be sure.

I've been in a similar situation a few times and so I'll draw on that. Although I wouldn't call it cheating, there's been multiple times in my relationship where I've felt betrayed but I've wanted to work through it and it's been by no means easy. It will take time, and you need to understand that throughout this process, you are entitled to feel however you feel at that moment. Don't try to talk yourself down by saying "I shouldn't be upset because of x" or "I should be over this by now" or anything like that. Feel the pain. It sounds horrible, and it is. You'll be feeling awful right now, but the important thing is that it will pass- if you work through it. I know you probably already have, but make sure you talk about this with your partner repeatedly, as many times as you need to. It'll help you get over it that little bit faster. Even months from now, if something comes up that you want to say to him, tell him. I wouldn't advise being nasty about it. I wanted to call my boyfriend every name under the sun, and for the first few days I did. I don't think it helped, to be honest. Tell him how you feel, not how you think of him. Chances are your mood will swing rapidly regarding this. One minute you'll be fine, the next it'll hit you. And that's okay, it might be like that for a while. Keep busy, but don't push away those feelings too often. You need to feel the pain in order to heal, and it will go away eventually. You can get through this.

You've said he shows remorse for this and that's a good sign- it would be a warning bell if he did not. Whatever you think will help fix the relationship, discuss it. Trust has been broken here and that needs to be rebuilt. Focus on spending some quality time together. Following a betrayal this helped me remember why I was with this boy. I live with my partner too, but I found a lot of the time when I'm sitting relaxing at home I don't feel like I'm spending time with him. Set aside some quality time, just for you two. Date nights, cooking a meal for each other- go back to basics, "date" again. You say you feel unsexy- make him show you how damn attractive you are. Treat yourself gently for a while, too. This is going to hurt, and now is the time to spend some time working on you, as well as your relationship.

I'm studying psychology at university, and although I don't like bringing it into advice, I thought I would mention one thing: research suggests the part of the brain responsible for falling in love, lust, desire, wanting to start a relationship with someone- whatever- is a different part to the part that is IN love. Just because he did what he did doesn't mean he didn't love you. Obviously this doesn't excuse what he did, but I just thought I'd mention it- it helped me a little.

I really hope you're doing okay- message me anytime. I know how hard it can be one bad days when you can't stop thinking about it.

Best of luck,

Laura