[Awakening]

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and we moved in together about a month ago. The first part of our relationship was a little rocky. We met online and decided to meet up, and after doing so I knew almost right away that I was interested in him. But only a couple weeks after this my living situation got complicated, and I was forced to move a few hours away. I was so scared that things wouldn't work out since we had just met, and I couldn't drive so it would be very difficult to see each other, but he spent so much time and money coming to see me and trying to make it work. Somehow, amazingly, we get through that and had soo many good times together, and ended up moving in together.

Since moving in together things have been great for the most part, aside from a few arguments regarding our financial situation and things like that. But I was convinced everything was great. A little over a week ago, though, I logged onto my boyfriend's computer where he had left up his email account and I noticed some messages from a dating website. Turns out he had been messaging many different girls, sending them sexual messages and asking to meet up, saying "He couldn't meet in the evenings but could meet during his lunch break," and inviting one girl over to our new apartment before I had moved in. I was obviously really upset about this and confronted him about it right away. He told me that he was sending these messages more out of boredom than actually wanting to be with these girls. He told me that he had not met up with any of them. I messaged the girls he had been in contact with and I do believe that this much is true. None of them said anything about meeting up with him. But he did tell me that earlier on in our relationship, after I had went on a trip with him to spend Christmas with him and his family, he went to a party with friends, got really drunk, and had oral sex with another girl.

He told me all of this through messaging while he was at work, and when he came home he was visibly upset and obviously very very apologetic. I told him that I forgave him, and for the most part I do. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I can't overlook the amount of things that he has done for me. He helped me move out of a bad living situation only a week after I had met him. He paid for the apartment that we are in completely on his own because I was in yet another bad living situation but could not afford to do anything about it. He was my rock through the most difficult year of my life, and that outweighs any bad thing that he could have done. It was really never a question whether or not I would forgive him. He is still an amazing person to me, and I feel that I love him unconditionally.

But even though I feel that I have forgiven him, it still hurts in other ways. When we go out somewhere and there happens to be an attractive girl I get really insecure and feel like he wishes he could be with her instead of me. I feel uncomfortable not wearing makeup in front of him. I feel like he must not find me sexy. I have been feeling very depressed, and even when good things happen (I was hired into a new job today!) I am not fully happy, like there is just this weight over me. The anger and feeling of betrayal has faded away a little bit, but there's just still this awful hurt that remains. And I'm kind of scared that it won't go away, that I will never fully trust him again or fully recover from this.

I'm sorry this is really long and rambling, but I was hoping that someone might have experienced something similar and could give me some insight on how to deal with this. I truly love my relationship and I don't want this to have to harm it too badly. I can't imagine loving someone else this much and I would honestly do anything to make this work. I used to feel like our relationship was so perfect and that nothing could hurt it too badly, and now it just feels like this really fragile thing, and I want to feel the way that I used to. I really really appreciate any advice you can give.