[MsNobleEleanor]

I'm not asking for anyone to understand or to reply, but I can't post this in my Blog. I just need to explain it, put it into words. What I say can be sensitive news to a lot of you and surprising news about advertisers and just everything.

I am honestly fed up, last week I paid for $50 for a PaySafe card (it's much like a gift card but its on a receipt) so I can pay for my ads on BackPage. (BackPage is much like Craigslist) I go and set up how much I wanted it to be automatically posted for me (I think I wanted 9 hours which is $9) found out PaySafe wasn't doing anything. I email BackPage, they said it was a technical issue. I get shit happens I really do. So, I am on the Canadian Message Boards for Escorts and I am in a "Verified Independent" section for Sex Workers (escorts/MA's) and found out that BackPage really sold children to people so PaySafe ended the contract with BackPage. I think it's all bull shit. (not sure if this is even in the media, but I read it on the boards I am on)

Here I am, only had 2 clients since what Wednesday, almost a week ago. Just 2 clients, only two. Don't get me wrong but last month I made over 3 grand and I saw 27 clients. I had goals, I had fucking goals and now they are put on hold. I have a company coming in to clean my carpets which is $300, when I booked it I am like, "$300 isn't a issue I can obtain that in 2 or 3 clients" well fuck me, seriously, this has made me unable to advertise has fucked me over. I was planning to start online College courses, but now, I am laughing. I have my injection shot coming up and meds of $440, a Bill in 2 days for my internet and that, I have rent fast approaching and right now I am just inside my own mind.

What is annoying me is that people think what I (we) do isn't a job, it is a job. I am frustrated because I no longer can use BackPage to advertise (you have to pay for the ads in the Adult Entertainment section) and the stigma is extremely hard to deal with. It never bothered me before but since I can't use BackPage because it's in another form of payment and it's stupid and complex so therefore unable to pay for my ads. The stigma and stress about it is hitting me hard. I feel like this walking time bomb. I've gotten a few text messages and phone calls from people seeing my ads on CraigsList or my website and the ones who do contact me who want something for less than what my rate is, I calmly explain I don't accept that. In the end I call them an "asshole" and hang up on them. I never did that but now, it's getting annoying. I would normally say, "thank you but I don't accept that price, have a great day." then I simply hang up.

I got a new client this weekend, he was very sweet and kind. He almost cried in front of me, I calmed him down and was very kind and compassionate towards his situation. My regular saw me again. It's not like I hate what I do, I love and enjoy what I do. Before this advertising blew up in my face I had set goals because I was able to set these goals based on my income from last month and how this month has been.

I am sick of the damn escorts (sex workers) aren't real people, that we are uneducated, and full of drugs and this and that. I've learned a lot of skills from this job, I've gain more ability to be assertive and I act professional with confidence and this has carried outside my work, in my personal life. I've gain skills on how to talk to people, I've learned ways to market and what works and what doesn't work, a better sense of budget and budget goals, I have a better understanding of what dangerous comments are and I pick up on them, and I've created a good amount loyal and trustworthy clients.

I am just fed up with advertising right now and I am stressed about bills right now. I know a silver lining will be around the corner, I just feel it. I am scared if I reschedule the carpet cleaning for at a later date then my cousin may ask me how my carpets are doing. She is why I am paying $300 for my carpets to get cleaned. She made this issue that my dog got sick because of my carpets and saying all this other shit. So, I was pressured to get it done. Her excuse, "You make a lot of money, so you are able to do this." 1) she doesn't know how much I make or what I charge, 2) I did this for her to get off my damn back, 3) she thinks what I am doing is a bad idea. Whatever is shoved in her head about sex workers needs to stop, it needs to fucking stop. She assumed all this crap about me because of it, all of which was untrue. I wish people would just ask me rather than assume. It's ridiculous. I may just give up my meds to pay for the carpets and pay rent late because I can't deal with someone who thinks everything is my fault and blaming me for something they just don't actually understand. I spent a few days depressed because of her saying this and that about me then I feel better and ready to advertise again, found out I can't. It's like, this stress ball.

I love my cousin but for fuck sakes I don't need that shit. No matter how much I express myself about what I do, it seems no one believes me or I am wrong. Let me ask them, "How would you possibly know? Are you a sex worker?" I am fed up with her and everything else. Can't I be left alone in something I enjoy doing? No one should be able to say anything about what I do and don't do, unless they've done it themselves. The stigmas needs to stop and I wish I can just ask my cousin that but I am not sure if I want to hear the backlash from her.

The laws are fucking stupid, if you don't know how stupid it is, watch this

Just needed to get this out.