Hey there,
I think trust is something very important to have in a relationship. If you can't trust someone how can you expect to be with them and be able to go out and do the things you need to do with someone who doesn't trust you, it stops you from feeling able to go out and do what you need to do and it's not healthy for either of you.
Why does your boyfriend blame you for being sexually assaulted or taken advantage of. That is not something that anyone has a choice in, and that's really unfair of him to form an opinion of something that he has never had to experience and probably never will. That's really narrow minded of your boyfriend to say that you brought it upon yourself or along those lines.
By the sounds of it you was in a very vulnerable place when you met your boyfriend and some of his traits you probably felt were needed or positive things when you were in such a vulnerable place, but it's good that now you realise that this behaviour is not right. Everyone has a past, what is your boyfriend's issue with yours. We all have a past and we all make decisions we aren't happy with, or things happen that we would rather forget about. I think it's unfair your boyfriend brings up your past, obviously it isn't something you want brought up all of the time. For you your past is something you don't want to discuss and your boyfriend
should be supportive and should try not to bring up these unpleasant memories for you. He should be there helping you through your past, not making you relive it.
Your boyfriend shouldn't have been speaking to this girl behind your back, or meeting up with her. There is a difference between being friends with someone and meeting up with that person, with your partner having knowledge of this and being okay with it. But going behind someone's back suggests that this is not a friendship and this is possibly more than that. If you have to hide something from your partner, then chances are you shouldn't be doing it. Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how this made you feel, it's obviously something that has played on your mind for sometime and rightly so, I think I would feel exactly the same as you if that was my boyfriend. Have you ever thought though, he is the one who is undeserving of you? You are blaming yourself, but this is on him, he is the one who has done wrong and doesn't deserve to have you if this is the way he behaves.
As for your boyfriend sending nude photos to other girls, that is absolutely wrong. To be honest, I think your boyfriend probably doesn't trust you because of his own behaviour, he knows he has been doing things that are wrong and so he then accuses you of things that you haven't done or aren't out doing. Usually to me when someone behaves like that, they usually have something to hide. I think him making you send him nude photos is wrong, if you don't want to do something you shouldn't have to, given your past he should be more understanding of you saying no to something, he should accept it without question. Maybe he misses you whilst you're away from each other but that is still no excuse he shouldn't push something you aren't comfortable with.
It's good you've started college and you're trying to sort your life out. No one is going to judge you for being friends with a guy and speaking to him. The things your boyfriend has said to you have sunk in and you've begun to believe the nasty things he says to you. No one is going to think anything of you for hanging out with a guy, there doesn't always have to be anything in a guy and a girl being friends, it is possible to have a friendship with a guy. It sounds like you may have a crush on this guy. If you like this guy then maybe he could be someone better for you, someone who is going to have more of a positive influence on your life.
By the sounds of it your boyfriend is going out there lying to you and betraying your trust, meeting other girls and doing god knows what with them. That isn't fair on you, you have done nothing to deserve this behaviour and you could honestly do so much better than this. You deserve someone who is going to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
I can understand you get to a point where you are stuck in a rut because you've been with your boyfriend for so long. You start to believe that you won't be okay without that person. But I think you will find that you will be okay without him, and your life may even get better without him. Sure it won't be easy to begin with and you will find times where you want to call him or go see him, but things will get easier for you and you will come to a time where you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and you start to see that things are going to get better, it just takes time and it takes strength to walk away. I think going to see a counsellor could be a great thing for you, it sounds like you have been struggling with too much alone for a long while. It could help to have someone to speak to, someone who isn't going to judge you, someone impartial, someone who can help to support you and help you to achieve your goals right now and start to move forward with your life. Of course there are going to be times when it is going to be hard, but it will get easier and you will get to a better place.
You can honestly do so much better than this, you just have to be brave and reach out for that help and support, because it is there for you.
Best of luck and I'm always just a
PM away.
Paige