[xcloudymindx]

Hi everyone,

where on earth do I begin? Please bare in mind this could be long, but I appreciate any amount of time given towards giving advice/support.

This is difficult. I've been with my boyfriend almost 2yrs - at the start I wasn't 100% sure about committing to a relationship as I was emotionally destroyed from the last boy involvement but jumped straight in & agreed after 3 months meeting up. (2013)

Trust is something we've never had, right from the start. He never let go of my past 'bf' & has used him against me ever since, even though he sexually took advantage of me & I hate his guts. (my bf seems to think I chose to be sexually harassed, etc.)

When I met my bf, I was very depressed and self harming at the time. I was having many complications in life and in a really bad place with myself.

Obviously this made me emotionally vulnerable and anything to distract these emotions was on my list, I had support along side me, but at the time i was in to deep and unable to open up about anything - therefore I never got the help that was their.

Down to the no trust issues, arguments have been accompanied throughout the relationship, he loves bringing up the past - which is something I don't want to remember anymore - I tried to end my life over that stuff.

He will be paranoid over me going back there - no because as mentioned above he took everything and left me broke.

Yes - I had mixed feelings because I went to fast into a new relationship (not making contact with the ex) but times where I thought back to the ways he once treated me, the most affectionate, how he made me feel at peace with my heart - not hammering let downs like my current bf, so quite a complicated balance there.

(2014) He then himself started talking to a girl, calling her sweet names and all that lot, even tried meeting her behind my back - that caused an enormous blow out, considering I was depressed I was at my wits and felt useless.

He later betrayed me after we settled he not speak to her anymore, cause he still did - behind my back. This made me believe I wasn't good enough and facing everything else in my life it just shattered me.

Went on holiday that year - that was a good needed break.

further into the year, he would be clingy, argue with me if I met my girlfriends and accuse me of meeting guys - that was just NOT happening. I lost my bestfriend nearly because she hated my bf.

Then a girl messaged me one day with screenshots of him sent rude photos to her, she had already warned him to back off - and mentioned to respect me. This was painful, because he always accused me of sending pictures to lads - I never once did. But if I did, I would have lost him. But he? Did he heck lose me, just added it to another "I'm to shit for him".

Towards the ending year, things strikes out, I wanted some space and he didn't like that. This resulted in physical argument and I was even punched in the stomach by him. He then came back to me, we got drunk, had sexual encounters - only to find he was seeing a girl behind my back!

I was so hurt and was painfully used sexually again. This then went on to more arguing - I was increasingly self harming at this point.

So we arranged to meet and sort it all out, he claiming he loved this girl having known her a week. That evening, he met her after lying to me he was going sleep. I found out off his mum, and I sat outside his house 4 and 1/2 hours in the wintery rain, and cold night. I was to far gone to care, and I almost passed out cause I was so cold and shut down.

We had a massive talk, me him, his parents and sorted things. He came on to me that night, we made love and next morning he told me he made a mistake he loves this new girl, he then lied on the phone to her claiming we didn't have sex - even though we did, that killed me and I left.

A week went by, near Christmas he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone new, I was trying to talk to lads but not really trying to move on.

We made up again, and I warned him if he ever dared treat me like that i'll be gone.

2015 : He betrayed me and spoke to her again several times, lying to my face he hadn't although I new he had. He continues accusing me through text that I'm with other lads, and I'm not... yet he talks to girls and gives them compliments, I don't speak to a single lad besides my farther and relatives. - Obviously guilty conscious.

He works full time and has caused nothing but arguments since he started in summer. However, when were together he's loving, affectionate, buys me things - but then claims I only want his money in arguments when I offer to pay he says 'no' and refuses my money.


He's a different character when were together but horrible through text.

Atm. his biggest things is sex and pictures. He always blags for pictures and I'm not into that stuff, I shouldn't have to be. It hurts because he says its my choice but when I say no he'll say "you don't love me" "You don't care about me" "you hate me" and its none of that I try reassuring him, if I didn't love him what girl would put up with this? but it causes me to feel weak, vile and just a lousy girlfriend in general. I often give in then cry myself to sleep cause I know I hate it deep down. He has threatened to leave me over the last 6 months, it being me ringing, fighting for things to change and improve. He never listens when I lay in his arms crying and struggling through the situation then tells me over text 'You never talk to me about anything' its exhausting and so damn painful, draining I'm left with this constant emptiness. Like the pain has become immune, because I can't feel it anymore, I cry a lot, but its not known why.

So lately I've started college, honestly, I need to push hard, because I dropped out of school I've so much effort to sort my life out, college is something I enjoy, and I'm actually settling really well and loving it.


Problem: I have less time for my bf, he wants pictures but I have 4am wake ups and 2 1/2 hrs traveling there and back so I'm exhausted after my days.

He doesn't ask how I am, doesn't write sweet night replies to mine or good morning messages (he says he doesn't have time in the morning, but I make time for him, its awful) all I get is ignorance 'whatever' 'ok' and 'you don't love me'.

Anyway, there is 13 girls and one lad on my course, I'm attracted to him. literally, but not really spoke to him. And being on a course with loads of girls it would be awkward and just weird. He already asked a girl out who messed him and that made me so angry... :L it actually hurt me.

So I spent a day finding ways to be helpful and useful to him lol. I was being sarcastic and claiming he's naughty because he didn't do something you strictly have to do, kinda funny. He hangs round with 2 girls, really nice girls I know one from child hood, and the other is a close friend of his for ages.
Apart of me wants to sit with them, but I'm afraid the others would judge and I feel bad to my bf.


Its like I've forgotten how to live life without my bf because we been through so much, and he's had me on this tight leash right?^ I do love him so much, and I feel so guilty that sometimes I wish cheating was an option.

But its not like anything is happening between me and this lad although I've already had like 3 dreams about him, get all the butterfly quirks, make small mistakes around him because I'm that bloody nervous and heated lol.

I just feel so alone and lost, I've no one to speak to, sometimes I think would going to counsellor with all this stuff help? But can counselling be for this sort of thing? I really need to figure things out, and is 2yrs worth losing for an attraction? even though I've been through hell...

Sometimes I image a guy wanting me, and me being stuck in the situation I am, and I just tell him all the shit I've taken and he literally holds me and just comforts me : its horrible knowing it won't happen, and not knowing how i'd be if it did....

My guy is grate because he doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs, and like he doesn't go clubbing leaving me behind even though he's 2yrs older, he has a good paying job and actually has ambitions and I like them things, but is it worth it, am I just being a stupid ungrateful cow? I feel that way at times.

I'm 17 now, I was 15 when I got with my bf, and I just... I've lost where to go with things, myself, everything... there is support available at college but I'm not sure if I have the confidence to speak this out or if its actually a things for counselling...


That's all I can think, there is a lot more but there the main things I picked out, some are worse but I left them out of this for my own reasons.

Please, any direction, and similar experience, and hope.... I'm losing it I really am, its so hard, and I just need to hear advice, words, anything and everything you can all offer! #

God dam I appreciate anyone taken time to read this, honestly my heart goes out to your efforts and I thank you so much! <3