[Lilyofthewest]

I wish I had the courage to really reach out to you but I'm nowhere close. Still, I regret telling you I was going to sleep twenty minutes ago when I know it's likely I'll be awake for the whole night. When do I ever sleep? Regardless, there were two incidences during our conversation tonight when my true feelings did come across. The first was when I said my bullies already won and killed me years ago. The second was when I spoke about how not everyone gets to fit in, how somebody has to pay the price and that's the hand I've been dealt.

It's the second one that hurts the most. Say what you will but I'll never be a normal, happy person. I'm never going to experience being important to someone. Never will I be the reason someone wants to wake up in the morning, never will someone watch their phone all day waiting for a text from me, never will I really matter someone. I guess the last one is harsh, it implies that I don't matter to you and our other friends and I suppose I do. Before I met you and the others, I'd never felt that way. I can't remember thinking I mattered to someone. Now I apparently do, and over the past year or so that's both enriched my life and torn it apart.

You kind of get me. Granted, you're more privileged than you think you are, but you know what's it like to feel hopeless, justifiably or otherwise. Problem is, I don't feel hopeless. It'd imply that I had hope before and I lost it. I've been without hope for so long that I'm no longer hopeless, I just might as well be dead. That's one thing I miss about not meaning anything to anyone; I could hurt myself all I wanted. I could have killed myself and nobody would have cared. I wish I took advantage of that liberty before you and the other people who care snatched it from me.

I don't have the heart to tell you I want to kill myself again. You have too much stress to put up with already. Maybe it'll hurt you less if you don't know anything when I die. Or is that unfair on you? I just pray that someday you'll realise that becoming friends with me was a mistake and that you're better off without me.