[jamdoughnut]

So i was at camp, and i knew i was surrounded by people who loved me, and this horrible feeling of guilt and regret and self hate was killing me, so i confessed. They told me it was a closed circle, but i knew that if i had told someone about this they would legally have to notify someone, and i told them anyway. Which i dont even know if that was a bad idea or not, it felt good to tell somebody who actually cared for me but...
they called my parents. They called them and they let them know what was going on. And they were devastated. And its sort of a good thing, i guess, because i wanted to tell them, but i wanted them to hear it from me, and i was definitly not ready for that. They also told my brother, and he cried. I cant believe that he actually cried. I hurt them, and i never wanted that for them. I never wanted any of them to be worrying about me like that, or for them to be crying because of me.
But i dont even know anymore. Again, i dont feel right. I feel like they dont know the full extant of it, that they just tuned it out AGAIN. And my brother.... i eont think he gets it either. He now knows that hes the cause of this, but he has no idea what he did. And hes not really acting any different. He said he'll do better, he said he'll change, but... i dont know any more.i dont even remember getting an apology from him. None of this feels real. None of this feels right. It feels like an act, like theyre just ignoring it all and tuning it out so they dont have to deal with it at all. Just sweep it under the carpet and forget about it. I dont know how to feel. In fact, i dont really feel anything. I mean a week ago i had finally found happiness for the first time in forever, (haha lame movie reference) and now i cant feel anything. Is that bad? I threw out my razor and told myself i was done with this for good, done with it forever, but am i really? It would be a disaster for me to "forget about it" and then have these feelings resurface in a year or two. I just... i dont know. I really am not sure whats going on right now. Im so confused.
Any advice? Words of encouragment? Anything helps...