[Kate*]

I know you only said that because you say it to everybody, but you have NO IDEA how badly I wish you meant it. I know you want me to be successful even if it's not with you, but succeeding at a worthless degree is not succeeding. I was closer to success failing with you than I would be succeeding there. I was in the better program and you know it. I'm precariously close to suicide and I know it's not your job, especially now, but I feel like I need you to save me one last time.

Apparently using my required year off to white-knuckle through constant and crippling mental health crises alone because professional help is not an option was a waste of time in more ways than one. I'm supposed to be employed and succeeding to prove to you that throwing me out was the "best thing that could ever happen" to me instead of making you face the nightmare that it really is. Apparently this was all my "choice" despite physical brain damage that shows up on an MRI and ruined any quality of life I could've had. According to that theory I've "chosen" to fail at a lot of things and when I kill myself I will have taken the easy way out. Suicide is the only "choice" I will acknowledge having here and I will not apologize for making it, just like you won't apologize for driving me to it.