[MyVisionIsDying]

Right now, even just thinking about last night more, I couldn't give a wholehearted shit if you said it jokingly it's the fact that you said it in my presence knowing what I told you months ago and how you're fine with it and calling me "bro" more often. It fucking hurt to hear you say that and the more I think about it the more I feel sick about myself, the more I actually don't like the way I am. The fact I've never felt that way about it scares me, it's fucking concerning that it was worse than I had thought and it's all thanks to you regardless of us considering each other siblings because of how long and how well we've known each other. I even lightheartedly explained to you that it's not how it is with others because everyone has their different preferences and you shrug it off like it's nothing.
How does that make me fucking feel?!
Do you think I'm fine because I didn't show my reaction to what you said? I tried so hard not to lose it, I tried so goddamned hard not to break down because I started feeling dysphoric!
You'll never understand because you have it easier than me! You're my best friend, you're like a sister to me and I'm too fucking cowardly to tell you how I felt about what you said last night. Maybe it's because I'm worried that you'll brush that off too.
It still hurts that you- of all people- said that, in a joking manner or not, it felt like a kick in the stomach.
It fucking hurts.
I don't want to feel like this.