[NotExactlyCrazy]

Hi,

It's been a while since I was on this site. The last time I was here I was in a really bad place and I am back here because I am struggling again.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression and I take 20mg or Prozac as a mood stabilizer. I do not go to therapy simply because I cannot afford it.

I am here because I am falling apart. I have two options for college. One is a state school located about 20 minutes from home. At the end of 4 years I will have a degree and about 30,000 dollars in debt. The other option is a dedicated performing arts conservatory(My major) located in New York City. It is not only my dream school, but it is a huge stepping stone in the direction of pursuing a performing arts career. However, I will not graduate with a degree and I have 60,000 dollars of tuition that I cannot currently fund. The state school, which has a sub-par theatre program, does not have any contacts, but it does have a degree program, so there's that.

I can't really afford to go to either of them, and my parents won't even consider applying for a PLUS loan because of personal circumstances. Additionally, they won't cosign on a loan or allow me to ask anyone else to cosign with me. As a minor I am apparently incapable of applying on my own.

I did apply for financial aid and I got quite a but but it wasn't nearly enough. I was also offered scholarships by both schools. I applied for grants and scholarships all over the place, probably more than 25. I set up a GoFundMe and I have been trying to get sponsors and organize fundraisers, but it's still never going to be enough. I don't know what else I am supposed to do.

I have two days to make a decision and I think I have to go to the state school, but I have never made a decision that felt so much like giving away my life. I know I am incredibly lucky to even have options. My family keeps telling me that mast people don't even have a choice. But giving away my NYC opportunity feels like giving up my family. I went there this summer on a full scholarship for a high school conservatory. I've never felt so loved or accepted. The prospect of going there has been the only thing keeping me going for the past year. And now that option has basically been torn out of my hands and it hurts so much. I can't even explain how painful it is.

I cut myself impulsively earlier this week and now I can't stop. It's not a new problem, but I've been clean for about a month because I didn't want to have fresh cuts at Prom and before that I had been clean for about 7 months before the college application process drove me over the edge.

I can't sleep. I feel sick to my stomach and I keep blanking out and staring into space for hours at a time. I feel like I'm just going to shut down and die. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I just feel like my mind is slowing down. I'm going to stop functioning. I am absolutely falling apart and there is no one who cares and no way to stop it.

It hurts. My mind hurts. I'm so tired and so sick of fighting.