[Kate*]

Maybe it's good that I won't be one anymore since I can say this (or rather wish to say this) without getting in trouble. I know it's hard, I struggled for 15 YEARS before I got up the courage, and even then it was after he convinced me, took 10 weeks to make the phone call, and I still lied to the guy. However, You CHOOSE to get better, you either try or you don't. If you don't want to or you're not ready, FINE, then DON'T but don't expect people to be okay with it. You're busted, you can either keep fighting the help you're lucky enough to have access to and choose to stay sick or you can do the hard work it's going to take to get yourself out of this.

There are legitimate excuses and times where excuses are used to avoid doing something you just don't want to do. Your disease will give you EVERY excuse in the book to avoid getting rid of it. You can choose to fight the disease or the help.

Everybody keeps telling me that there must be something better for me out there. You'd better have a REALLY good plan because I'm clueless (which you know I hate) and I have NO idea what's coming (which you also know I hate)

Yes brain, I thoroughly enjoy the 1/2 day long swings between hope and suicide PLEASE STOP DOING THIS TO ME!!! It's clear that you are broken and that I will lose everything I want because of that.

You offered to help me, but I've reached out to someone who agreed to that and then screwed me so I can't trust you (or anyone for that matter, EVER AGAIN) I probably won't contact you, I just can't risk it. This means that I will likely give up and go through with that, but I held on for as long as I could and only went through with it when I realized it was my only and final option to resolve something that would never go away otherwise. That's NOT a choice.

Part of the reason I keep holding on is because you respected me so much, which makes no sense because even if you did, I gave you no reason to and I'm sure you've forgotten by now that I ever existed. I really can't FUCKING do this any more and someone besides me has to take at least SOME of the responsibility for that. Even if I don't disagree with what you felt like you had to do IT FUCKING SCREWED ME, you all know it, and the fact that you feel bad doesn't fix that. I QUIT!!!!