I have always struggled with a low self-esteem, this is my first relationship and it is the reason why I haven't dated until this point. I am no longer in high school so I was hoping that I would've outgrown my insecurities by now. This hasn't been the case though. I am considering whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend. I don't really think it's fair that he should have to deal with my lack confidence. I feel incapable of giving him a loving relationship because I am too distant and fearful.
We have been dating for a while now and I still feel unable to maintain eye contact with him for very long because of my shyness. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and, until now, I have been pretty much isolated from other people. I would like to have physical closeness with him but I become so nervous that it's uncomfortable for me. I know that we should be having sex by now but I don't think I am attractive enough to let him see me undressed and I would be so inexperienced that I'd probably make a bad partner.
While I desire sexual relationships, the idea of being rejected is crippling. I start trembling and blushing, the fear is so intense that I always distance myself physically from him. I don't know why I fear it so much but the low self-esteem only leads me to believe it is inevitable he will reject me if we become too close. I really like him as a person, we have a lot of fun together and were friends for a while before this. I don't want to break up with him as I fear that I might regret it but, despite my longing for close relationships, I don't feel capable of giving him that and it isn't fair to keep him at arms length.
I have talked to him a little about all this but he really doesn't know how to help and many people don't so I understand. I feel very trapped in my current situation. If anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
